Hope*

Everybody out there who has TTC for a significant amount of time knows that living your life month to month is just the nature of the beast.

Every month, we count the days, stress over the two week wait, crucially analyze every single detail and symptom that our body throws our way, and keep those fingers crossed when your last cycle day approaches, we hope that we were right and our dear monthly friend doesn't show up.

My body for the most part has been like clockwork. I had some rough times after my miscarriage, and it took me a good year before I was back on any sort of "normal" schedule. AF didn't show up for three and a half months after the miscarriage, and when it did it landed me in the ER. Every month after that was a good guess as to when she would show up. Sometimes it was two weeks later. Others it wasn't for a good six weeks.

But for the past year, it's been back to it's regular clock-like schedule. And like usual, I've been analyzing every. single. symptom that comes my way.

Except this month, it's been more or less lack of symptoms.

Around CD 14 or 15 EVERY SINGLE MONTH, my ta ta's get sore. They swell up like balloons, and for the following two weeks are extremely sore and irritating. It sucks, but it's also my most reliant indicator that I am indeed not pregnant.

That soreness is also typically followed by general irritation with people and life in general. The moodiness is unreal. It's gotten better since I started on Prozac a couple of months ago, but it's still there. I'm telling you, I am a walking and talking text book case study on PMS symptoms every month.

But here I am -- CD 21 -- and .... well .... nothing.

No soreness. No irritation. No moodiness. Eight/nine days away from what should be CD1 showing up, and NOTHING.

Which of course, is just making my mind RACE.

I mentioned that last week I had my HSG test done, which happened on CD 12. Since it was my first time doing the test, I really don't know what to expect. Does it screw up your system? Does it throw things for a loop and mess with your hormones? I don't know!

But it wouldn't it be something if I WAS pregnant?

This is exactly the line of thinking that gets me in trouble every month. Every month I think about what might be, and am always disappointed when it doesn't actually happen. But this month, different things are leading me down that same road. So because it's the one time that it's different all around .... could it be?

I'm trying SO HARD to not think about it. Not stress about it. Not even give myself the shiny glimmer of hope that it could be true. Because I hate having my heart broken every 30 days.

But damn .... what it?

Breakfast Salad*

In my attempt to eat better, and start early on that New Years resolution of losing weight [while also making myself more healthy for the baby making thing!] I've been trying a lot of new recipes. Through Pinterest, I stumbled upon this lovely dish:

Apartment Therapy is one of my favorite sites to visit, and they also have some wonderful recipes. This one was no exception and I just happened to have everything needed to make it hanging out in the fridge.

This was incredibly easy to make, and you could adjust to what you have in your fridge. But I threw some sliced avocado, sliced tomato wedges. some fresh basil (or whatever herbs you happen to have in your fridge), a sprinkle of parmesan cheese, a poached egg on top and some salt and pepper for seasoning. All in all, it took about five minutes to make.

I love poached eggs, but don't eat them very often. I also l.o.v.e. avocado and have been trying to eat more tomatoes as of late. So this was a perfect breakfast salad that kept me nice and full! Enjoy!

Thirty*

I remember sitting down one year ago and thinking about what the last year of my 20's would hold. I had big plans for 2010 and I had an overwhelming feeling that it would be a year of happiness. There are some years that go by so quickly and uneventfully that looking back you can hardly remember one day from the next. 2010 was not that year.

It was a year that changed with the seasons from heartache and disbelief to acceptance, renewal, laughter and hope. There was soul-searching and late night heart-to-hearts with friends (and lots and lots of wine). This wasn’t the year I thought it would be, or the year I planned. I lost my way for a while, only to re-find it months later along with a strength in myself I didn’t even know was there. My journey has not been short or smooth, but I feel so grateful for where I am today.

I made a lot of goals for myself for 2010, and didn't actually accomplish all of them. But, I'm ok with that.

I have one week left of my 20's. Next Tuesday I turn 30, and am so hopeful that 2011 will be our year. But I feel that I am in a much better place now than I was one year ago, both mentally and physically. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and even more blessed to have built the relationships that I did this year. I'm ready for the next decade of my life. My 20's were so fabulous to me, and I have so many wonderful memories, but I'm ready for the next stage of my life. I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to make some physical changes that need to be made. I'm ready to do whatever I need to do.

Here's to 2011, and the next chapter of my life.

Snow*

We got a TON of snow here in NC on Sunday, about 8 inches -- by far the most snow that I've ever seen in the five years we have been living here. As a Pacific Northwesterner, and a former resident of Colorado, I always love when we get a real winter around here.

Because neither myself or my husband are afraid of a little snow, we decided to bundle up and head out. Typically, I would avoid exchanging any Christmas gifts the day after, but in this town the minor threat of snow is enough to shut everything down. We had a couple of things we needed to return, so we took to the streets. It was perfect.

Sadly, most of the snow has melted, and only a few piles remain with no more in the forecast anytime soon.

I have this entire week off of work, which has been glorious. Sadly, I'm using my free time to do things like clean out my closet and the pantry. Things that desperately need to be done, but that I have not had the time TO do due to my insane work schedule. But in a weird way, I am sort of enjoying the purging that is happening in our house!

We have WAY too much stuff!

But mostly, I'm just enjoying the time off. And the cold weather. The south really isn't a place for me -- too hot. I'm not a fan. So when we do get a wintery blast, I LOVE love love it!

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

photographer mittens*

As a photographer, I've been doing a lot of Christmas sessions in the last couple of months. And it's oh so cold. But, since I sort of need my fingers for the clicking of the camera, my hands often suffer.

This, however, is pure genius. I really need to pick up my knitting needles again and figure how to make these wonderful items! They would definitely go to good use!

My Christmas Wish*

Last week I mentioned going in for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test, which I was more than nervous about. After a very uncomfortable 15 minutes (although not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be) and a fabulous doctor who talked me through the entire process, it's official -- I have open tubes.

Hooray!

So the next step is a follow up with my primary doctor, and hopefully a prescription for clomid to begin on the next cycle. Of course, in between all of that is the dreaded two week wait and the wondering if I'll be that lucky soul who gets pregnant following the HSG.

I hate waiting. I have a major instant gratification problem, so this month to month thing doesn't really suit my personality. But, it is what it is, and we will push through. In the mean time, I'm focusing on the holidays. While we didn't get our Christmas Miracle that we were so hoping for, I'm trying to look on the positive side of things, like a nice long vacation and spending time with my husband. This may very well be our last Christmas together alone (hey, I'm trying to be optimistic!) for a while, so enjoying each other's company and being grateful for the things we DO have is important to both of us. Plus, we have three very loving fur-babies who we enjoy spoiling immensely.

And I will admit that I am looking forward to 2011. I am hoping that while 2010 wasn't our year, that 2011 will be. That all this effort and wanting will not go to waste, and that somewhere down next year's path, we will get that beautiful pink line that we are dreaming about. I turn 30 in just a couple short weeks (eek!) and I know that age brings a level of difficulty to this whole conceiving a child thing; hopefully things will be on our side next year, and everything will fall into place.

That, my friends, is my Christmas Wish.

new blog design*

As you may have noticed, I have a pretty new blog design! I want to give a huge, huge shout out to Shay, over at Dumplin Design Studio who whipped this thing up for me. She was so fabulous during the whole process [and hey, I'm easy to please so hopefully I wasn't a difficult customer!] and really listened to what I wanted.

She is super duper affordable, and you must go check her out for all your blogging and business needs. Her style is everything that I love about blog design, & I will definitely be using her in the future.

Thank you, Shay, so much!

Christmas in NC

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I love sitting on the couch, bundled under blankets and furbabies, husband by my side with a fire going in the fireplace.

I love the tree, and the decorations, and always end up going through Christmas decoration withdrawls after I take everything down.

This year, Marshall & I opted to stay here in North Carolina for the holidays. It is the first time that we haven't travelled somewhere for Christmas since we have been married and honestly, I'm really looking forward to it. We haven't had a chance to set our own traditions, or do our own things. So this year will be a first for us.

The gifts are also something that are sort of new to us. We have always given each other one gift, but because we are not travelling anywhere this year, we are financially able to do a little more for one another. Which means the Christmas tree is looking very full underneath!

I don't really know what we are going to do on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day for that matter. But I do know that it will be very relaxing, with lots of wine, Christmas music, and I'm pretty sure I will stay in my sweats all day. :)

How about you? What are your plans for this weekend?

Themed Birthday Party!

In about three weeks, I turn 30.

Yikes.

I'm not really prepared for that milestone, & I sort of am all at the same time. My 20's were so wonderously fabulous to me, that saying goodbye to them is like saying goodbye to an old friend. [Which, that is another post for another day]. But I feel like so many great things will happen in my 30's, that I am looking forward to the future.

But in the mean time, in order to ring in the new year and celebrate in style, I'm throwing myself a huge birthday bash. We are doing an Alice in Wonderland themed costume party, & to say that it is getting out of control is most definitely underestimating the situation.

My crafty side is taking over. I have found so many great things that I want to do for decoration purposes to really bring out the theme! I'm looking forward to my 10 day vacation from work to really get some of these things banged out.

For instance!

How adorable is that? [via The Long Thread] Since I [naturally] am going as the Queen of Hearts, this is a perfect garnish of sorts for around the house. Ideally, I would like to find some jumbo cards, but I'll take whatever I can find!


This heart garland is also a perfect addition to around the house. Originally meant for a Valentine's Day decoration, I still think it will work wonderfully for a Queen of Hearts garden!


And YUM. Cakes in a jar! I think this would be the perfect giveaway for the party, or at the very least, an easy way to serve dessert.

I have a whole board over on Pinterest [which is the greatest website ever if you are not a member!] dedicated to this party, and am looking for some more great decoration ideas. Alice in Wonderland has always been a favorite of mine, and I am looking forward to bringing some of the vintage style of the story to the party as well.

About Damn Time

Well, I finally got my HSG test scheduled today.

Can we get a big fat HOORAY for that one??!

Today is technically what I was expecting to be CD1, but no confirmation yet. Although, I have a good feeling that if it doesn't happen today, it will happen tomorrow. Because we are Army, the clinics are not open on the weekends to make appointments, which means I would have had to wait until Monday to schedule anything. Last time that happened [last month] there were no more appointments available in my time frame.

Waiting really, really sucks.

Fearing that AF would come tomorrow, I made the executive decision to call and schedule it. Luckily, my current appointment date is December 22nd. Which, if CD1 comes today, that would put me at CD13 on appointment date. If it doesn't happen today, then i have some wiggle room. Wiggle room is good.

I'm glad it worked out this way, but more than anything I am so damn ready to start this process. My nurse has told me that assuming everything comes back clear, they would get me started on chlomid for that next cycle. So, by mid-January, we will be full blown on the infertility band wagon.

I'm somewhat nervous about the HSG test. I've heard many different versions of what it feels like, and am sort of preparing for the worst. I'm sure it will be nothing [if anything just uncomfortable]. I'd be ok with that.

So here goes nothing!

Mac & Cheese -- Veggie Style

I've recently made the decision that I want to go back to my vegetarian ways. I was a vegetarian for a few years in high school & college, but missed chicken & turkey too much so went back. I never started eating red meat again [ick], but do love me some chicken from time to time.


However, with starting the fertility process, I wanted to really start eating WELL. I have [more than] a few pounds to lose, which I know will aid in the whole thing, but also just want to be healthier as a whole, regardless of what the baby situation decides to be.

So, I'm going to attempt the vegetarian route again for a while. I'm going to give myself 30 days to try it out, and see where I am after that. I've reached out to a couple of friends who are vegetarians, and was offered some really great sites with some fabulous recipes.

The first one I can't wait to try this weekend? Mac & Cheese .... without any cheese :) I'll let you know how it turns out, but from what I've heard [& read in the comments!] it's FABULOUS.

What You Need:

• 4 quarts water
• 1 tablespoon sea salt
• 8 ounces macaroni
• 4 slices of bread, torn into large pieces
• 2 tablespoons + 1/3 cup non-hydrogenated margarine
• 2 tablespoons shallots, peeled and chopped
• 1 cup red or yellow potatoes, peeled and chopped
• 1/4 cup carrots, peeled and chopped
• 1/3 cup onion, peeled and chopped
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup raw cashews
• 2 teaspoons sea salt
• 1/4 teaspoon garlic, minced
• 1/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice, freshly squeezed
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne
• 1/4 teaspoon paprika

What You Do:

• In a large pot, bring the water and salt to a boil. Add macaroni and cook until al dente. In a colander, drain pasta and rinse with cold water. Set aside.
• In a food processor, make breadcrumbs by pulverizing the bread and 2 tablespoons margarine to a medium-fine texture. Set aside.
• Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a saucepan, add shallots, potatoes, carrots, onion, and water, and bring to a boil. Cover the pan and simmer for 15 minutes, or until vegetables are very soft.
• In a blender, process the cashews, salt, garlic, 1/3 cup margarine, mustard, lemon juice, black pepper, and cayenne. Add softened vegetables and cooking water to the blender and process until perfectly smooth.
• In a large bowl, toss the cooked pasta and blended cheese sauce until completely coated. Spread mixture into a 9 x 12 casserole dish, sprinkle with prepared breadcrumbs, and dust with paprika.
• Bake for 30 minutes or until the cheese sauce is bubbling and the top has turned golden brown.
  

New Design

I have enlisted the help of Shay Bocks, over at Dumplin Design Studio to help me redesign this here blog. I have some experience with HTML, and could more than likely figure out to do everything that I want to do on my own. But the fact of the matter is, is that I don't have the time.

Or the patience.

Plus, her designs are so simple & preeeetttty!

I cannot wait to see what she comes up with, and I am confident that she can help me get my message across the way I want to! I really am trying to take this little blog to the next level, and am hoping that a pretty design will help draw some people in.

Can't wait for it to be finished, and I will let y'all know when it debuts!

Life

My head has been spinning lately in trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. Things have gotten so bad at work, that going in every day has been completely unbearable. My photography business is doing so well, considering I've never done an ad or anything. Everything so far has been word of mouth. I'm curious as to how I would do if I actually started fishing for business.

There is a very large part of me that wants to take the plunge and just do it. However, right before Christmas, and a month before a big trip back to Seattle isn't really the time. I'm trying to last until March -- which is when I get my big fat bonus from work. I very well may just say adios after that, and pimp out my photo skills in the mean time until then.

In other news, I start my fertility stuff next week [hopefully]. Assuming that I am not pregnant [and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not] I go in for my first HSG test. I'm slightly nervous, just because I'm heard it's not exactly comfortable. I was supposed to have this test done prior to this last cycle, but thank to an eff up by my doctor, it didn't happen. Assuming that everything comes back nice & clear, my doctor has informed me that I should be able to start my first round of chlomid pretty much immediately. Hip hip hooray! God I hope I'm not the next Kate + 8.

I am, however, so happy to be starting this process. My husband & I have been trying for damn near three years to get pregnant. Having hope again feels good. I just hope it lasts.

Mid-Life Crisis?

I want to quit my job so bad. SO. BAD.

It's become dreadful. I never thought that I would reach this point. But after two and a half years, and a new boss, point has been reached.

I think my new boss is the majority of the problem, and I can't wait until the day I can really give my notice, and tell them exactly why I am quitting.

Is it possible to go through a mid-life crises at 30? Because I truly believe that's what my problem is. I want to do something so different than what I am doing now. I don't want to be a part of the corporate world anymore. I want to be creative. I want to take photos, and make things. Paint. Sell the things I do create. I desperately want to be a struggling artist.

I'm trying to hold out until March, when I get my annual bonus. It will be a rather large bonus (hooray corporate world), and between that and some other things we have coming in, there will be a nice nest egg in our savings account. I'm pimping out my photography skills as much as I possibly can these days in an effort to try and save any extra cash.

I want to quit. So bad.

I do think it's possible to have a mid-life crisis at 30. Because I truly think I am there. I need to take this little time that I have and focus primarily on the creative. The things that make me happy. Prove to myself that I can do this. I KNOW I can do this. I want to do this.

I can do this.

Fingers crossed.

Love Is Real.

Via Pinterest.

Here.

Hi.

Seriously, I suck. Not that it matters. Not sure anybody reads this blog anyways. But, the intention in it's creation isn't really panning out the way I wanted to. Honestly, I haven't felt like blogging much the past couple of days. But I'm hoping to pick it up and really start writing again. I promise.

Um, Time? Where Did You Go?

Hey there. It's the 20th already? Seriously? I don't believe you.

Where has this time gone?? I feel like this month has FLOWN by, and I'm not quite ready for the things that are about to come!

But part of me also is. I very much need a change, and I think that change is a-comin'. We got some potentially good news about the future of our location, and are just waiting on any sort of final decision to be made. Which, in my husbands industry could take a while. But it's a step in the right direction, and a step towards getting out of where we are at now.

I have also scheduled quite a few photography sessions with some new clients in the coming months. Something that makes me happy, because I very much enjoy that aspect of my life. I look forward to the day when I can do it full time. Again, hopefully something that will happen sooner rather than later due to necessity. I'm ok with that.

Maybe it's my happier outlook on life [thank you, prozac!] or just the possibility of a better future. But things seem to be looking up. Even if the days are FLYING by quicker than I can handle.

Figuring It Out

I've hit a wall.

Figuratively speaking, of course. I would never actually hit a wall. Not on purpose. But emotionally? Brittany -- meet wall.

I am tired of my life here. Of course, not of my life with my husband. I love him, and I am happy in that respect. But my job? Where we live? The lack of things to do? The petty bullshit that I have to put up with on a day to day basis? I'm over it. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I am emotionally DRAINED. And while the prozac that my doctor just prescribed to me may help, I don't think it will solve all of my problems.

I want out of here. Unfortunately for us, we are not in the position to just up and move. My husbands job does not allow it, and though we are trying our hardest to find a way, I don't see it happening anytime soon. And THAT is so frustrating. BEYOND WORDS frustrating. Not having a choice in where we want to live, or where we want to be is obnoxious. But unfortunately, the life that we live.

I'm trying, very hard, to reach out to other spouses in the area who go through what we are going through. To find good in where we are. I have a side photography business that I am going to start pimping out again, because I would LOVE to get enough work in the next couple of months to feel like I am accomplishing something. What would be even better would be if I could QUIT my current job and do that full time.

Ideally.

Giving up that guaranteed (& good!) salary is difficult.

So ... I NEED SOMETHING. Anything. To get me through. So the digging begins, and the attempt to BUCK UP & stop wallowing in my pity starts now. Much easier said than done, especially since the prozac takes a couple of weeks to kick in, but I'll get there. I HAVE to get there. This despair that I feel? It's not fun living. Something has got to give.

Sunset

I'm currently in Baltimore for a work trip, & I am LOVING Maryland. Not only have I had the BEST crabcakes known to man, but I am seriously enjoying being back in a real city. This was what was waiting for me when I got back to my hotel room this evening. Does it get any better than beauty like this?

Gravity

Sara Bareilles has a new album out that you must must must check out. She is one of my favorite newer artists, and her last album was one that stayed in constant rotation for quite some time. In fact, it is still one of my favorite "go to" albums. Her new album is equally fantastic, and worth the pennies you will spend to pick it up.

This is, perhaps, my most favorite song of hers. So beautiful with so many meanings. Enjoy.

Taking A Holistic Approach

I've been trying to make some changes to my diet and habits lately, in an attempt to move this whole "I want to have a baby" thing along. My husband & I have not had the best of luck, but I am determined to not see a fertility doctor.

You might say I was a little stubborn. Ok ... a lot stubborn.

I really want this to be as holistic as I can possibly make it. The hippie in me wants to do this naturally, free of drugs and tests and chemicals. I know that at some point, I will give in and go see a doctor if I don't get pregnant soon [it's been almost a year since we started trying again], but for now I'm pushing the holistic approach.

This means herbs. Lots of herbs. I'm also trying to cut out the things that I know to not be very condusive to trying to get preggers. The wine is hard, because I love my wine. The coffee is even harder. I'm from Seattle. Coffee runs through my veins. And I've been drinking it for so long, that the headaches when I do try to quit are a major bitch. But -- baby steps, no pun intended! I need to do everything that I can, change what can be changed & fix what needs to be fixed to feel good about making this work.

I'm also going to start doing some more reading on the topic. I've found some really great books about fertility and am looking forward to starting those. I need to get over this worry & fear that it will never happen again & concentrate on being HAPPY. I know the moment I let it all go and stop worrying will be the moment it happens for us again. Easier said then done on so many levels, but I will continue to stay positive!

Peer Pressure

I completely suck at blogging. I used to LOVE it. In fact, I still do love it. But I have found that time has been an issue for me lately, as well as finding a voice. But I've recently been peer pressured into blogging more [*ahem* .... you know who you are. :)] so I'm going to make an attempt.

I have another blog out there in the blogosphere that I would consider pretty successful. My monthly traffic lingers around 4,500 hits a month, which is pretty decent for a website that consists of nothing but ramblings. September saw a whopping six posts from me, and still my traffic stays high. I don't get it. But I also have a VOICE over there. A consistent theme that for the last two years I have stuck to. A voice that a lot of people can relate to.

But I sort of got tired of that voice [hence, only six posts this month]. Not that I don't love the life that I lead, or the things that i do. But that purpose has started to wear on me. I sort of need a break. Blogging over there, more or less, has become a chore. And I definitely don't like that feeling. Which is why I started this blog, and didn't really mention it to people. I wanted to start fresh, and to open my world to things that didn't necessarily fit over there, but that I loved none the less.

But finding that voice -- that one thing to keep the posts coming -- has been difficult. I feel sort of random here. Like I don't really have something to stick to. Just me, writing. Random things.

Maybe it's a good thing. I wanted a place where nobody knew me. Where I could say the things that I wanted to say honestly, without fear of backlash from friends or family. A very small handful of people know about this site, and they are all people that I trust completely to not judge or cast me away for something that I have said. Anybody else who finds their way over here is extra, and welcome! [Hello!]

But I feel like I need a purpose to write, and I haven't really found that purpose yet -- a reason to keep people coming. I will get there, I suppose. Eventually. And in the mean time, I'll just keep writing my random thoughts down, and thanks to the peer pressure, I will try to do it more often ;)

That is all. :)

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Cold, windy Autumn mornings.
Something warm to sip on.
Hoop earrings.
Over-sized couches.
Not having to go to work on a week day.
A worn out pair of sweat pants.
Lazy Sunday mornings in bed with the husband & dogs.
Any adorable, cute & fuzzy baby animal.
A great cup of coffee.

Measuring Cups

I recently made a trip to Colorado for a VERY good friends wedding, and in some down time I had, I met up for breakfast with another good friend! :) We decided to cruise the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, and consequently we ended up at Anthropologie. Which happens to be one of the greatest stores ever. I'm not ever a huge fan of their clothes, but they always have great knick-knacks for around the home.

As I wandered through their kitchen section, I found these little gems! Measuring cups! But not just ANY measuring cups -- ADORABLE MEASURING CUPS! Cute, colorful and original. I had to snatch them up.

They also had these adorable little measuring SPOONS that I of course had to have to complete the set. I have both of these displayed proudly in my kitchen, and I am terrified to use them for fear of breaking and dropping one. But how cute are these little guys?



SO CUTE.

Change, please?

Um. Hi.

Been a while. Holy crap.

By the way? I am totally craving ice cream. Just sayin'.

It's been a rough couple of weeks in our lives. Work is kicking my ass -- and I'm not particularly enjoying it, seeing as how working my tail off does me NO good, my coworker is a biznatch & my relationship with my boss is pretty much in the toilet. I tired of feeling unappreciated, while also being told that in order to move up the ladder, I need to suck up more. So, I've hit the "just getting by" mode.

Go to work. Get shit done. Go home.

We also had to bury our beagle last week, due to a pretty brutal attack by our neighbors dog. It's been rough, because we love our fur babies like they are real babies. We have also been the ones to be punished by the county (we're being fined, and they wanted to deem our dog "dangerous." HA! A beagle ... dangerous! IDIOTS). It's been a mess.

I'm just feeling like enough is enough. I trying to build on some connections that I have made, in hopes that I can start a freelance company, or at least start getting some freelance work. I'm tired of working in an office -- I REALLY want to work from home and decide my own schedule. Actually, I really would just like to take a break from working all together, but I know that's not feasible. At all. Financially, we just can't afford it. But whatever --- I'll take working from home any day!

So we will see what the future brings. I'm hoping that somebody can help me out and point me in the right direction. I need a change. I'm not happy right now and I just need something different in my life. Somethings creative -- doing what I LOVE to do.

We will see. Hopefully it happens soon!

Skinny Or Bust

January is right around the corner [four & a half months ... eeeek!], which means I turn the big 3-0. Ugh. My goal at the beginning of this year was to lose all the weight that I wanted to lose before my 30th birthday, which is happening much sooner than I would like to think. And I, of course, have not lost ANY of the weight I needed to lose.

Four & a half months isn't a lot of time, and I am quickly realizing that unless I'm the next contestant on The Biggest Loser, it ain't happenin' anytime soon. Not the number that I want to see at least.

The motivation has been there to work out and work hard. The time, however, has not. I spend, on average, 10 hours a day at the office. Most days it's a little more than that. On a good day, I'm to work by 8am [which means up at 6am] & can leave around 6:30 if my work load isn't too bad. Every once in a while, I'm there much later. Which means that to get in my hour work out I either need to be up at 4:30 am [not happening] or go after work. So ... off at 6:30, gym by 7:00. One hour at the gym puts me home around 8:30. Dinner. Bedtime. Personal time? What is that?

It's frustrating because I REALLY want to do this. But I don't have the time. I know that's probably a huge lame ass excuse, but I'm finding that I really do need to find other ways to MAKE the time. As well as find other ways to help with the weight loss journey.

So this week, I started being serious about my calorie counting. It's amazing how quick those calories add up when you eat crap, and how many fruits and veggies you can eat to fill those hungry spots. So, that has been step one. I have a nifty little notebook that stays on my desk all day & in my purse when I'm not in the office. For the record? I am freakin' hungry all. the. time. At least in these beginning stages.

Step two was finding the time to actually work out. The resolution? Bye bye lunch hour. Luckily for me, I have a lot of great workout options due to a) where I work & b) the company I work for. I also found a couple of people who also spend their lunch breaks at one of our various gyms. Which means I will have a buddy. Score! This will also keep me from eating out so often, easing that urge to eat shit food. And when I can? I'll hit the gym a second time after work.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Or so I keep telling myself. I need to KEEP the motivation that I have right now. It's so frustrating to not be where I want to be, to not look the way I want to look/used to look. I need to figure it out.

One baby step at a time.

Tea Cup Cozies

i love coffee. i also love tea. this adorable shop on etsy [my favorite browsing site!] is selling these adorable "tea love mug cozies." i may just have to order a few!







this is the one in particular that i want. i definitely drink more coffee than tea, & it typically comes in one of those starbucks cups ;)

Wishing.

today is one of those days.

the type of day where i want to be at home, on our [brand new] couch doing nothing but drinking coffee & catching up on bad television. in fact, i seem to crave these type of days more & more it seems. in a previous lifetime, i would have taken a *coughcough* sick day & used it more as a personal day. sadly, i can't even justify doing that right now because my work load is so freakin' intense.

there is a very huge part of me that wishes i could take a sabbatical. not for a long time. for like, a month. oh the things i could do & get accomplished!

i have a slightly guilty conscious sometimes when i start to feel like this, because i've worked hard to be where i am. but sometimes i just don't feel like it's worth it, and that i am missing out on a lot of things otherwise. i want to be more creative -- do more, paint more, sketch more. i want our house to be perfect. i'd settle for it always just being clean. i want to spend some more time doing the things that i love doing instead of *wishing* i had the time to do so. i want to spend more time with my husband & less time sitting behind a desk for 50 hours a week.

can i just win the lottery so this can all happen? because while i definitely want to do *all* of those things, i like my paycheck as well!

but then there is that nagging suspicion in the back of my head that reminds me i probably wouldn't like being home all the time. alone. & when we start to have kids? forget it. i'm not sure i could handle that. but maybe i could! because i have a feeling that i wouldn't just do nothing. i would pursue other things more fiercely, like my photography business. i would make something out of all those paintings i would suddenly have time to do.

decisions, decisions. can i just move to europe, please? so i don't have to make this decision -- it could just be made for me?? :)

Bedroom Progress

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I was starting the process of redoing our bedroom. When we first moved in together, we bought what we could, with what very little money we had. And we haven't really upgraded since then.

Earlier this year, we finally got around to painting the living room, and we are in the process of searching for new couches. This is something I am particularly happy about because I hate our black, leather couches. They definitely were not my choice, but were more or less a compromise -- he could get the couches if I could get the cherry sleigh bed for the bedroom.

Since then, we've upgraded our bed to a king sized mattress [how did we ever live without a king sized bed??], and in the last couple of weeks I've been planning for some other changes. Nothing major, but enough to change up the feel of the room.

We've picked out a paint color, and next weekend we will be tackling that project. We removed the mirror from our dresser, which makes the room look SO much bigger. They always say [they, being random designers on HGTV and DIT] that mirrors can make a room look bigger. But that mirror took up so much of the wall, that when we took it down, it was an instant change.

We also upgraded our huge ass box tv for a more sleek flat screen that is now sitting on top of the dresser. I'm on the lookout for some new night stands, a new mirror for the bathroom, new curtains and blinds and a few fun little nick nacks to spice it up a bit.

We are not replacing our dresser [although we may try to sand it down and repaint it or stain it black, as well as find some new hardware for it] or any of the other furniture, and I'm making my own headboard, which means that this should be a fairly cheap project, which I'm looking forward to. There are a lot of changes that I want to make to this house that will cost quite a bit more, so we're saving for that [like new floors in the kitchen and replacing the vanity in the hall bathroom].

Either way, for whatever reason a fire has been lit under my ass lately to make some changes to the house. I need a change, and I need something big -- so home improvement projects are the first on the list!

I'll keep you all updated as we progress, and I'll try to take some before & after photos throughout the process.

Wedding Bliss

oh, internet. i totally ♥ a good wedding video. mostly it makes me jealous that we were never creative enough to have a wedding as awesome as this, or do something as adorable as this. but, i still l.o.v.e. it. this one is no exception!

Max, Margaux, & The Marvelows from Shark Pig on Vimeo.

Saturday Alone

my husband has to work a 24-hour shift today [9am today until 9am tomorrow] which means i have my entire saturday alone.

i hate that he's gone, but i love days like this.

drinking coffee on the couch, catching up on my blog[s], trying to come up with a plan as to what exactly i want to do today -- i love it. i received an invitation to meet up for coffee with a girl that i've been chatting with on twitter. she's local [obviously] and for the most part seems pretty cool. turns out she knows another one of my real-life friends, who may or may not be joining us for a mid-afternoon latte as well. i love meeting new people, & am looking forward to the possibility of expanding my friends.

i also am very much looking forward to using this day to decompress. things have been somewhat stressful on the work front, with my boss being promoted, the extra workload that comes with her making the transition, & wondering if i will get her previous position or not. there's a lot of tension between myself & my co-worker, who also applied for said position. she is extremely difficult to deal with, & for whatever reason is seriously threatened by me [words of others, not my own] which makes working with her nearly impossible. the stealing of projects, the throwing me under the bus, the flat out lying and defiance -- it's exhausting dealing with her on a day to day basis. if she received this position over me? [which, she shouldn't -- i have more experience, better education & all around a better relationship with the powers that be, INCLUDING my now out-going boss, who will be in on the interview process] -- but to imagine that situation? i will quit. i will begin the process of gathering my things and give my notice.

working for her would be death.

so yes ... lots of stress. throw in that my husband will potentially be gone for the next three weeks & that we are in no way shape or form succeeding on the baby-making front, & my life is exhausting right now.

so taking this time, this decompression, so get a few things done around the house -- i'm looking forward to it. i love saturdays. & i love saturdays alone just a wee bit more. :)

New York City

As I mentioned last week or so, I headed up to New York City last weekend for a couple of days to see my mom. It was sort of a mother/daughter trip -- something that I don't think we had ever really done before. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend. I LOVE New York City. It truly is one of the greatest places on Earth. I could honestly see myself living there. I think my husband, too, has admitted that he could handle the hustle and bustle of Manhattan. More than likely somewhere down by NYU & Greenwich Village would be our little cup of tea, and while I doubt this fantasy will ever be more than just that, it's nice to try and pretend that we could ever afford (or even just COULD) move out there.

But, it was still a great time. We ended up seeing three shows over the course of the weekend. Friday night was Memphis, which if you go to NYC, you MUST see this musical. It just won the Tony for Best Musical, and I am telling you, it's worth it. Saturday we dropped in on Mamma Mia!, which was a colossal disappointment. Seriously. I had heard so many great things about it (and LOVE the movie) but by the end, we pretty much figured it was a waste of our money. It was sad.

Sunday, however, we made up for it by seeing Promises, Promises. I have a HUGE crush on Kristen Chenowith. Like ... huge. And Sean Hayes was the male lead. His performance alone blew me out of the water. That boy can sing!! But it was very fantastic. Hands down the best show of the weekend.

We of course ate a TON of great food. It was blazing hot the entire time, but it didn't stop us from doing a little bit of everything -- carriage rides through Central Park, an afternoon at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Friday morning at the Today Show, lots and lots of cocktails -- it was a great weekend.

And of course, as a photographer, I was in heaven!



Remember the Soup Man from that episode of Seinfeld? NO SOUP FOR YOU! Yeah, our hotel was three doors down. Apparently, in 2004, the guy who owns this place shut down (also, just a little fun fact -- Jerry Seinfeld is forever banned from eating there. Apparently, he wasn't thrilled with the Soup Nazi title). But the Wednesday prior to us getting there, he reopened for business. Yum!



One of the Picasso rooms at the Met.



On Saturday, we went to a Farmers Market down at Union Square (not far from NYU). The produce selection was amazing! If I had a farmer's market like this, I would never shop at a grocery store again. And I love that in a city as big as NYC, they promote local growers.



All of my knitting friends are in heaven right now. :)



Pigeons.



Times Square.



Just a random couple. :)

So, yeah. I love New York. I have been travelling so much this summer. Every month since April I've been on the road for whatever reason, and it's not slowing down anytime soon. But this trip was worth it. I had such a great time. Glad to be home, but it was a blast.

Morning Wildflowers

From our front yard.

New York, New York

I am jet-setting this Thursday to New York City; I am meeting my mom for a few days for a quick little mother/daughter rendezvous.

My mom and I have never really taken a trip like this before. She helped me move away to college, and then drove with me to Colorado when I moved down there for grad school. She's even come to visit me here once. But in my 30 years of existence, we've nothing done something FUN & GRAND like this before.

Scratch that. When I was in the 7th grade, she took me to Orlando with her. We were getting ready to move as a family, and she needed to find a home. We went to Disney World, just the two of us. It was fabulous.

But it's been a long ass time since then.

I'm not sure what I'm more excited about: the weekend with my mom, or the weekend in NYC! I think it's a little bit of both. I happen to completely ADORE New York City. The food, the culture, the art, the FASHION! I am looking forward to some great photography and some even better inspiration.

We're planning on hitting up some Broadway plays as well. We scored some tickets to see Kristin Chenowith's [whom. i. love!] Promises, Promises on Sunday afternoon. I'm sure we'll hit up the stand in Times Square to see if we can get a few cheap, last minute tickets as well, but that one was a no-brainer for buying ahead.

Either way, this weekend is going to be Fabulous. FABULOUS! My bags are packed, I'm ready to go. I just need to make it through a couple more days of work, & I will be on my way!

Headboards

I have been in a serious nesting phase the last couple of weeks, and I am wanting to make some serious improvements to our home. I've let my darling husband get away with his bachelor ways for too long now [uh, the chrome TV stand seriously needs to go] and I feel like I'm failing in my wifely duties by not sprucing things up a bit. I've painted some walls here & there, but nothing major has been accomplished.

My first big task is going to be the master bedroom. It's really sort of just a *place where we sleep.* I want it to be a sanctuary. We currently have an old dresser that matches our old bed [now in the guest bedroom] and a king sized mattress on two metal railings. That's it. No paint on the walls, icky carpet, everything.

I have figured that the headboard is where I need to start, and then I can work around that. We spend so much time in that room, I want it to be a place to retreat to. Right now it's just another room that holds all my dirty clothes. Awesome.

However, we're on a budget, which means I need to find some cheap yet chic alternatives to our home improvement project. These are some of the alternatives I have found thus far:



This is merely a piece of plywood board that has been sanded down, stained & propped. It has some possibilities.



I have always *loved* the rustic headboard look. This is done with two window panels. They removed the glass, threw some board up in the back for safety & then applied some fabric into the square panels with some spray adhesive. And I LOVE that their night stands are shelves on the wall. Genius!



Love. love. love. So easy. So chic.



This is actually what I think I have been leaning towards. Something easy & yet extremely personal. I've considered doing a variation of this but with some of my own designed art work pieces mixed in with the personal pieces. I would love to throw some skinny book shelves on the sides of the beds serve as night stands [storage & practicality!].

What do you think? Any great ideas for do it yourself headboards?

Carl Kleiner

Because part of me is an artist at heart, I am always looking for new ways to be creative while seeking out new inspirations as well. Sometimes I'm just looking for things to *wow* me. Carl Kleiner is one of those artists who fits directly into that category. The work that he does is simple, yet amazing.

Check out a few of my favorite shots, and then head over to his website to see everything else.

Me.

Hi.

The first post of any blog is always sort of awkward. I'm pretty sure this one will not be any less so.

In time, this post will eventually be lost to all the other posts that are sure to follow so I guess it doesn't really matter anyways. Of course, it's never terribly difficult to come back to that first post. And while I would love to be witty and wonderful and clever to, you know, really get things started -- I'm not in the mood today.

My plan, however, is to sort of just be me. I blog in other places, about other things that are relevant to my life. But everybody I know is aware of that place. It hasn't become private for me anymore, and I am not able to fully be myself or say what needs to be said. So this ones a secret. *Shhh .... don't tell anyone.*

No family. No friends. Is it even my real name? Maybe. Maybe not. You'll never know.

The quick version of my life is that I am a born & raised Pacific Northwesterner. If you have never been to the Washington/Oregon coastal region, you must. I am telling you that it is completely, 100% worth every penny that you will spend getting there. I was able to grow up surround by so much culture & art. Unfortunately, it was also something that I took for granted until I moved to this far, far away land known as *gulp* The. South.

A.k.a. Redneck hell. Their idea of "culture" is drinking a better kind of beer. There is no appreciation for art. No appreciation for music. No appreciation for a peaceful lifestyle. I miss home every single day. Trust me when I tell you that I am not here by choice.

My name is Brittany. I am 29 years old. I love life. Feel free to hang with me while I share my passions.