Max: One Year

Dear Max,

It's hard to believe that you are a now a year old. In fact, you have been a year old for just over two weeks now, and I still don't want to accept the fact that you are not my tiny little baby anymore (not that you were ever TINY!)

I don't even know where to begin when talking about all the wonderful and amazing ways you have brought joy to our lives this past year. There is no denying that we have a rough start, and a tough first six months. But through all of it -- RSV, persistent sickness as a result, adjusting to an international move and all the complications and upheaval that came with it -- you remained constantly happy and a true light in our lives. I have never met a happier baby, and even through the tough times, you shined.

You are SO HAPPY. All the time! (Ok, mostly all the time!) Your smile is so big and genuine. You light up at any new person that enters the room, and you truly are a social butterfly (except when you are just waking up, much like your mama. And I do love those snuggles). You are STUBBORN, just like your brother, and boy do you have an opinion already. Heaven forbid we take something away from you that you want to have, or give you something you don't want. You make it very well known what your stance is, and I hope that trait never leaves you. You have the most wonderful laugh, and an even bigger smile. You talk CONSTANTLY, and since you started walking around 10 month, you have not stopped. You are busy, and I think sometimes your feet can't keep up with how fast you want to move (the bumps on your head prove it!)

You are BIG. I mean, a really big baby! Twenty-seven pounds and almost off the charts in every percentile. Which is good for you, because you are finally able to push back when your big brother starts getting a little rough (we are working on it, I promise). You eat just about everything we put in front of you, and man can you put back some food. It constantly amazes me how much you can fit into your tiny little belly. You rarely turn things down, but have definitely started to show favorites towards some foods.

You are a HORRIBLE sleeper. I mean, really really bad. I blame everything that we had going on this past year, and not being able to get you into a good routine when sleep routines were setting in. But it is what it is, and I keep hoping for the day when you decide to sleep through the night, and not wake me up 1-3 times. But we love the late night snuggles, even if it means lack of sleep, because you love them, too. I love the way you cling to my neck, and you give the sweetest hugs & kisses. You love to snuggle, love to sleep with us when you don't want to sleep on your own, and are so happy to be CLOSE to somebody else.

Your words are still limited to Mama & Dada, but you love to wave bye bye, clap your hands, and (Daddy's Favorite) give some sweet high fives. You LOVE it when Daddy chases you around the house trying to catch you, and you love it even more when he carries you on your belly, flying you around as you chase big brother. I'm also pretty sure you are going to be as obsessed with cars as Lucas is, as they are typically your go-to toy of choice, driving them around the floor and giggling the entire time.

Thank you for being such a joy in our life, and the lives of so many others. You are loved by a large group of family and friends, and you have made OUR lives so wonderful & completed our family in the best way possible. We love you, and I cannot wait to see what this next year brings us.

Germany: Six Months

The beginning of January marked our six month anniversary of being in Germany. Whoa! It's hard to believe that we have been here that long, but at that the same time it feels like we have been here forever. Or forever-ish.

I have a feeling I will say this often, but I am so happy to be here. We have done so many amazing things in such a short amount of time, and have learned so much just from being here. Our kids are growing up in such a wonderful environment, and I cannot wait for what's to come our time here. We have been so lucky to have seen as much as have! 

I will admit, though, it doesn't quite feel like home yet. We are still in shambles in spots of our home (old dresser for a TV stand, anyone? A few lingering boxes hanging out in the laundry room?) but as time goes on, we are making an effort to make this space more "ours." New bookshelves for books and photo frames. Family photos up on the wall. Plants that I haven't managed to kill just yet (don 't worry. Give it time.) All the little things that add up. But we are getting there, and will continue to make momentum, AND, just as we are leaving we will say "this place finally feels like home." Ha!

We haven't been without our fair share of small (and I mean teeny-tiny) hurdles to overcome. Services here are lacking just a tad. Daycare for Lucas? A nightmare. Even getting him into a preschool on the German economy has been difficult. We make do, though, and I am grateful for the amazing babysitter we have. Also? Stairwell living? NOT for the faint of heart. We have been lucky in that most of our neighbors are awesome, but there is always one, ya know, who makes life difficult.

I will admit, though, that even with it still very much feeling like a vacation at times, there are very few things I miss about being back in the states. Don't get me wrong, I definitely miss some things -- a garbage disposal, having our own house/yard, easy access to my BFF that doesn't require a nine hour time difference, football at normal hours of the day, drive through (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, STARBUCKS) -- but overall this experience has been wonderful. CHALLENGING. But wonderful. It's simply amazing to me all the opportunity that has been provided to us since we have been here. We have been to France twice. Spent five days in Paris. We have seen Prague, Salzburg (Austria) and Luxembourg. The husband has traveled to a couple of places on his own for work, and we get to have discussions about places like Israel and Spain in the near future. Not to mention that the Stuttgart area is simply gorgeous with so much to offer that we didn't have available back in North Carolina. The introvert in me has been slowly but surely making some new friends, and the kids are having this amazing opportunity to grow up in a culture that is so different than it would be back home in the states. Our views and beliefs mesh so well with the culture of Germany, and Europe in general, and we love having this amazing opportunity. And the food? Oh man. The food alone is worth being here! (And maybe the beer. And the wine.)

We miss our friends & family like crazy, and I would at times like to hear some music on the radio that *isn't* Top 40. Ahem. But, you know, sacrifices. I am looking forward to 2015 in so many ways. We live in an amazingly beautiful area of this country, and we cannot wait to explore more in the coming months! The cold, wet weather doesn't keep us from getting out too much, but I am definitely looking forward to Spring & Summer just a tad!

Halloween

Our first Halloween in Germany is officially in the books! I can't tell you enough how much fun we had this year, our little family of four.

Because we live on post, and therefore live in stairwell apartments, ever set up tables outside there stairwell entrance and hands out candy. We met up with a few other families and did things pot-luck style, while we took turns taking the kids trick-or-treating. This was Lucas's first real Halloween, and we really had a blast!

I have to say, Lucas won't wear a costume. He has a few minor sensory issues that we are positive he will eventually outgrow, and the kid is the cleanest in the world when it comes to doing crafts because he doesn't like his hands to get dirty. A costume was completely out of the question but we so badly wanted to take him trick-or-treating, knowing he would understand things a little better, so, we sort of had to work with what we had and get a little creative this year!

I introduce to you, Albert Einstein!

I seriously am dead from the cuteness of his costume this year. DEAD! It was such a hit! I honestly didn't think it would work out as well as it did, but when we realized an actual costume was out of the question, we tried to come up with some other plans. And I mean, that hair!! What else were we going to do? It was a little brilliant, and everybody got a good chuckle out of it. Plus, he rocked it!

We spent about an hour and a half walking around the buildings near our house, and while Lucas was a little hesitant at first, he eventually got the hang of it, especially once he realized that when he said "trick or treat!" it resulted in candy in his bag! He loved hitting all the candy stations & tables, and we loved walking around with him. It was so sweet, and everybody was so nice. Our neighborhood in North Carolina was a DUD for Halloween, so it was truly fun to see so many kids running around in great costumes, to see other parents having fun, PLUS we got to eat some really great food with some pretty great company!

Don't worry, Max was there, too!

He didn't care about the costume, and was more than happy to just observe all the craziness & people watch. He hung out in his stroller, at some mac & cheese for dinner and generally enjoyed all the shenanigans. He was the cutest pumpkin ever!

We really did have such a wonderful evening, even post trick-or-treating, spending the evening with our upstairs neighbors. The kids had a blast, and we had a great time with friends. We have vowed that next year we will deck out our stairwell and man our own table, but it was nice to spend some time with friendly faces. A very successful Halloween as a family of four!

Germany: Three Months

This morning I woke up, looked at the date and realized that our family had been here for three months already. How did that happen? It's hard to believe that we have hit that mark already, and it feels like we have been here for a much shorter time, but also forever.

It's been a whirlwind couple of months as we have spent most of our time trying to get settled. We left a lot of furniture behind when we moved, pieces that were old or hand me downs from military friends of past who have left, so we are slowly but surely building back up our belongings. It makes things left to do -- a few lingering boxes, photos that still need to be hung, books waiting to be put on non-existent shelves, piles of paperwork clutter because there isn't yet a desk to do the sorting -- feel like this isn't quite "home" yet. Slowly but surely we are getting there, and I look forward to the day when I feel like things are "complete" around here. IKEA has become our friend, and most of our new furniture has come from there, and I have a feeling more will be on the way! Seriously -- Ikea is great, although it was a TAD overwhelming the first time we went through. But now? I feel like an old pro. Ha!

Then there has been the whole adjustment to being in a new country. Obviously. I think we are doing well, for the most part. My husband is fearless, which often means that he has no worries when trying new things, visiting new places or trying to talk to somebody. I get very anxious about being somewhere new on my own, for the first time. It's almost crippling, but I'm working on that. I swear.

We definitely have not had a shortage of activities, and while I have not been as prompt in putting them on the blog, we are constantly doing things. It's a nice change from living in North Carolina, where while there were some amazing places to visit in the area, everything was HOURS away. Stuttgart is so full of life, and there is never a shortage of things to do or places to see. And while we have made visits to Luxembourg, France and the Czech Republic so far in the past three months, we have some great trips to Austria, France (again. Paris, people!), Belgium and Amsterdam planned all before the end of the year. It's such a surreal feeling, knowing that this is our life. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity that we are beyond grateful for, and we continue to plan to make the most of it while we are here. I have a feeling our travels will slow down a bit in the new year, and we will focus on some bigger, longer trips but it's SO hard to not take advantage of all of this as much as we possibly can. M's job takes him TDY a lot (read: never here) so I am working on some easy day trips with the kids.There is never a shortage of castles, villages, and with the holidays coming up, Christmas Markets, within a very short drive. Christmas markets galore!

I think one of the hardest adjustments for us, though, has been our living situation. Having owned our own home for almost eight years back in North Carolina, stairwell living has been an adjustment. It has provided us some interesting interactions with our very close-to-us neighbors that are less than ideal, but it has also provided some great budding relationships with that we have met as a couple or I have met on my own (hi friends!) so we focus on the positive and power through. But not without a bit of eye rolling in the process.

However, if that's the biggest struggle we have, then it's all worth it. This place continues to surprise us and amaze us with all that it has to offer. I wake up daily thinking, I'm in Germany. How did this happen? It's hard, and has so many challenges, but the more we get settled, the more we overcome those. Of course, the biggest thing has been having my mom so close, especially with M being gone as often as he is. The extra set of hands has been more than I could have ever asked for, and the time she gets to spend with the kids is beyond priceless.

I can't wait for the holidays! Christmas in Germany -- I have heard it's quite beautiful. :)

Max -- Six Month Update

With all the crazy the past couple of months, poor Max got left behind on his updates. I think the last I did was three months -- I had every intention of doing one at four, and then again at five, but here we are, creeping in at six months.

It's hard to believe that this kid is six months old already.

Max is the happiest baby I have ever seen, but at the same time knows what he wants, and when he wants it. He will go zero to sixty in no time at all, which is a huge change from his big brother. There's no waiting around to make a bottle in the middle of the night - when he's up, and he's hungry, you better be ready..

He is also completely different from his brother in the sleeping department as well. Max basically hates sleep. He is a champion cat-napper, and his naps during the day typically last around 30 minutes. It's maddening. Finding a spot that he is comfortable in is key to his napping success, and being in a hotel room the past two weeks has made this difficult. Our only options are the pack & play, which we purposely kept him in while we were still in NC, knowing this would be his sleep option once we got here, and our bed. Guess which won?

Not the pack & play.

We have taken to bed-sharing which, with Lucas, I was admittedly against. While it works for some (and I am not knocking it at all. Do what works for you!) it was not something that we wanted to do. And honestly didn't HAVE to do. Lucas didn't sleep through the night until 13 months, but he was still a good sleeper. I could put him down still awake and he would fall asleep on his own. He took routine naps, at the same time every days, for 2-3 hours each. At night, while he was still waking up to eat, he would essentially dream eat through the entire thing & go back down with zero problem. He set his own schedule essentially from the day he was born, and we have never gone back.

Cue the complete opposite with Max. He will not fall asleep unless you are holding him. He hates the pack & play which means he sleeps with us in the bed (and in reality, means he sleeps with me while my poor, sweet husband curls up with our toddler in the other bed). When he wakes up at night, he is AWAKE, which means he cries -- loudly -- and getting him back to sleep even after being fed is a challenge. Even at six months old, he will not sleep longer than three -- MAYBE FOUR -- hours at night, which means we are still up 2-3 times.

During the day, we also struggle. While Lucas was (and still is) a very independent baby, Max doesn't seem to be following suit. The poor kid hates being put down, and will cry after about five minutes of being anywhere but in somebody's arms (usually mine). In order to get things done, I have to put him down, which means I spend a good part of the day listening to him whine & cry. It's frustrating for all of us. His mommy attachment is at epic levels, meaning he won't even let M hold him unless I am present. Which means leaving the room, let alone the house (or the hotel in our case right now) without him leads to the kid acting like you are hurting him. I have never heard a baby scream the way he does. It makes me feel awful for my husband, who gets frustrated because despite his best efforts, their solo relationship doesn't seem to be getting any better UNLESS I am around. This means I haven't had more than a couple minutes alone in about, oh, six weeks. I'm not quite sure where my level of sanity is these days, but it's low. It amazing how two babies can be so completely different, but Max is hands down the harder & more difficult one of the two. I was always so grateful that Lucas was as incredibly easy as he was -- but of course we would have the complete opposite with number two.

But when it comes down to it, he is still such a sweet, sweet baby. He has the greatest smile, and the sweetest laugh. He give large, slobbery open mouth kisses (and gets quite excited about doing so!), snuggles better than any baby, and makes us all laugh on a daily basis. He is OBSESSED with his big brother, and if Lucas is in the room, nobody else matters. I love seeing their relationship blossom the way it has been in the past month or so, and I cannot wait until they are older and great friends. Nobody can make Max laugh the way Lucas can. It's sweet & endearing. He also still remains quite a large, chunky baby. He has been in 9 month clothing for quite some time now, and we are dipping into the 12 month clothes on occasion. While I haven't taken him in for his six-month checkup yet, I do know that he is tipping the scale around 22 pounds, and that he teeters between the 98th percentile and off the charts completely. I love every single one of his not-so-little rolls. We just began solids within the last couple of days, and it looks like we are going the baby-led-weaning route with him again. We have tried both puree's -- which he wasn't a fan of -- and whole food -- which he went to town on -- so we will continue to experiment with what works best for him.

I do hope that things improve in the coming months, specifically in the sleep department. I make it through the days as it, but I can't imagine what a full night sleep will feel like. But all in all, he is a sweet, adorable baby boy. This is such a fun age, and I cannot wait to see what comes!

Max: Three Months

It's hard to believe that my smallest (ok, not so small but you know what I mean) has hit the three month mark already. I will never get used to this time flying thing. But here we are! The three month mark as of the 14th, and while I feel like it has been so long since he came into the world, it also feels like just yesterday at the same time.

First off, the stats. We happened to have to go to the pediatrician right around his three month birthday, and I have a whopper, guys. He weighed in at 17 lbs, 7 oz. At THREE MONTHS. He's also hovering right around 26" long. All in all, he's a big baby, but a proportionate one. He's grown about six inches since birth and gained almost 10 pounds during that time. We are easily in six month clothing and quickly staring at 9 month clothing. It's bananas.

We continue to have side effects to the RSV that he caught when he was two weeks old, and it's the reason why we were at the pediatrician last week. If you're not familiar with RSV, essentially it's a giant pain in the ass. While we have had no re-occurrence of it since infancy, it is making our life difficult, especially with a toddler around. While it make take Lucas and I a day or two to get over a cold, it has taken Max up near a month at times to recover from the same virus. And because the RSV damaged his lungs a bit, breathing is sometimes an issue (although not near fatal or to the point where hospitalization is necessary) it does pose a problem when he is in the height of his colds. We visit the pediatrician frequently, because essentially any time a cold strikes and his breathing becomes labored, his lungs need to be checked to make sure everything is ok, and a re-test for RSV is conducted (an easy swab in the nose). It has ALWAYS come back just a basic cold virus since the initial diagnoses, which is huge, but at the same time, it's been hard on him, essentially being sick his entire life.

We were told that it would be a tough first year, and even without a cold, Max has experienced some breathing issues & wheezing. We've become good friends with our nebulizer, and this relationship will likely continue in the coming months. With the end of cold and flu season however, and the onset of the warmer weather, we are hoping that we are through the worst and can venture out more often as a family, doing things aside from running errands. We have been overly cautious about where we take him due to the risk of getting colds, but things are starting to look up, which means our self-imposed caution is nearing the end until next winter, where we will likely take it easy again, just to be safe.

Aside from all of that, Max has been, and continues to be, one of the HAPPIEST babies I have ever met. He smiles and talks more than his big brother did at that age, and has the quirkiest little laugh. He loves to be touched, swaddled, man-handled and rolled around; doing so is the quickest way to bring a smile to his face. He has never once cried during bath time and babbles away when he is naked. Max is strong, but lazy at the same time. He is getting better at standing when assisted by us, but lays there and puts zero effort into tummy time (despite having EXCELLENT head control otherwise!) I have a feeling that he will be just like his big brother, and will do things on his own terms, when he's ready to do so. He isn't the greatest day sleeper, taking maybe one solid three-hour nap a day with a few cat naps here and there, but he regularly sleeps in 10-hour stretches at night. He eats like a champ (30-35 oz a day) and is truly a complete joy. He LOVES his brother, so much, and lights up every time Lucas comes in close. Adjusting to life with two has been a challenge, but Max makes it easier than it could be.

Last Moments

A couple of nights ago, Lucas woke up around 1:30/2:00 in the morning with a seriously wet diaper. Well, he never fully woke up, but after about 45 minutes of random fussing, I finally went in to check on him. I reached under him to do a quick feel & he was soaked. At first I thought from sweat, because we had him some fleece footie pajamas, but nope -- wet diaper. Something that hasn't happened in over a year.

Cue quick diaper change, pajama change and some rocking in the glider to get him back to sleep. New pajamas, a blanket, his head resting on my arm & his arms tucked into all the right places, in an instant I was completely overwhelmed with just how BIG my baby had gotten. Where did the time go? As I was rocking him, I could feel new baby kicking away, awake and alert, and I thought to myself, this is all going to change so quick.

I love rocking Lucas to sleep. We don't do it so much anymore, because it's not as needed. Nor does he really want it at night before bed like he used to. Our nighttime routine has gone from rocking for a while to straight into the bedroom & into the crib, otherwise he thinks it's playtime. To say that I miss that chance to be close to him every night is a huge understatement, so while I dread the nights where wake-up's are involved, I love every moment that I get to snuggle him a little tighter than I normally would get to. My boy is a rough and tumble kind of kid, and when he is awake, it is go go go throughout most of the day. So I cherish any chance -- even at 2am -- to just sit there and hold his sleepy little body.

As we have prepared for the arrival of number two, it's becoming more important to me to spend quality time with Lucas. I have to admit, it's getting harder and harder as we near the end, as there are days where getting off the couch proves to be more difficult than you would think. We are also changing up some routines a little bit, involving dad more in things that usually I only do, so that when baby arrives, it's not a sudden change in every time (for example, I put Lucas to bed every night. It's always been our thing because of M's schedule in the past, and something we just continued. But now we alternate nights, because there will be times when I just can't do it because of the newborn). I'm planning more activities in these last weeks, and doing my best to just BE PRESENT as much as I can. I admit that it's hard, when all I want to do is sleep, but it's also important so I'm trying my best.

It's an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Our hearts are so full with so much love, and it's incredibly hard to believe that there is room for one more in that space. Lucas changed my life in so many wonderful ways, and despite normal challenges in raising a newborn/baby/toddler, he's a truly wonderful, smart, well-behaved kid. We are proud of what he is becoming already, the strides he makes every day, and we cannot wait to see what comes in the future. M & I have been discussing quite frequently how this is all going to change & while quite honestly, nothing will really prepare us for it, we do find some peace in how sweet our child is. True, we have our bad days just like the good days, & most of this frustration just comes with being a parent and being a toddler. It's a balancing act we are constantly working on. But man, I cannot tell you enough how lucky we feel. I don't worry one bit about how Lucas will transition with a new baby in the house. We will have our moments, and our days, as we figure out a new routine, & maybe I'm a little naive for thinking that we might have an easier time than others. But he is pretty awesome, and I am loving our time together in these last weeks.

I have had this crazy urge the past few days to just get as many things done as possible, because I don't want to miss out on moments with M & Lucas, ESPECIALLY with Christmas being next week. I have been a woman on a mission to get everything in order for baby's arrival, bags packed for me & Lucas, car seat ready, bassinet good to go, and as many other random things organized around the house as possible. I'll be 37 weeks this week, and while I may be pregnant another five weeks (god I hope not), the reality is that this kid could come at any time. I'm feeling nostalgic for things that haven't even happened yet, and I want this Christmas to be one to remember. I don't want to be stressed out these last weeks with all the things that need to be done. So, I'm just doing them. My husband probably thinks I'm crazy, but when I check the last couple of boxes off  my list this week, I'll be happy to just sit back, relax & snuggle with the guys as much as possible.

The Closing of Chapters

With the impending arrival of this second little bean of ours, there has been a lot on my mind about what comes next for me & my husband. Closing one chapter of our lives and opening a giant new one sits at the forefront, with a lot of other chapters mixed in.This one in particular, our TTC journey, comes with a lot of emotion. I've written and re-written this post probably ten times over the past month or so, never really feeling like I can find the right words to express the emotion that I feel. I most likely won't ever fully be able to convey what's in my heart, but with some encouragement from others, I'm putting this out there anyways, the best that I can.

We decided long ago that this it for us. No more trying for future babies.  In fact, this was sort of a decision that we made prior to even OFFICIALLY trying for baby number two. We had always decided that once Lucas hit one year, we would discuss the possibility of a second. At the time, we were on orders to move to Georgia by the summer, and with M's training schedule prior to our move, we had an extremely limited number of chances IF we chose to go down the IUI route again with our current RE. Two, MAYBE three. So we decided to take the plunge with the mindset that if it worked, it worked, and if didn't, well, that was it for us. We didn't want to continue treatment after we moved, and we had been blessed with such an amazing kid with Lucas. If fate worked out differently in the future, so be it, but after those couple of tries, we wouldn't push it any further. 

Cue IUI 2.0 working the first time. You all know how grateful I am for that, and you can easily skim back through my blog to read about it. But here we are -- 34 weeks pregnant with baby number two and growing closer and closer to the official end of THIS particular chapter.  I'm not going to lie. It's weird. No more stressing over whether or not it will happen on it's own, or if calling the RE is the next logical step. No more mass bulk purchases of pregnancy tests or tears because things aren't going the way I want them to. There is a lot of emotion in these last six weeks, so much that I can't convey it all in one post. But we are still here. 

Finished, after six years. But at peace.

I'm not naive enough to think that something couldn't happen in the next six weeks, or post-delivery, or even five or ten years down the road. I've seen enough from friends, and from the infertility community, to know that it's not always bliss and happiness. Bad things happen to really, really good people. Amazing people. People who deserve nothing but the best but end up in the worst possible situations. I hope to god that we are not those people, but I know it happens. Naive, I am most definitely not.

But with the end of this chapter comes, for me, a big sigh of relief, so to speak. Part of the "weird" in my emotion is that it's not necessarily all bad. It took a lot to get here, and part of me is sort of glad to leave it all behind. There are many in the infertility community who are angry -- rightfully so, and for so many reasons. Even after giving birth, or adopting, or becoming a parent in whatever way it happens, there is a level of anger that doesn't go away. And why should it? Their journeys have been long & painful. That's not something that you forget in an instant, or for some, ever. But their journeys are just that, THEIRS. Mine is mine. Similar or not, we all handle things differently. I have seen women who have had the same treatment as me, or very close to, end with babies in their arms & they are still angry. I've seen others who have gone through SO MUCH MORE walk away with a smile on their face & peace with what life dealt them. We are all different, and react differently. I made the choice a long time ago to not let the resentment rule me, no matter what happened. Don't get me wrong -- there was a time when it absolutely did. That resentment hurt me in a lot of ways. It's the same resentment & anger that made me cry for two days when my best friend of 20 years told me she was pregnant. Or what made me dread any pregnancy announcement from ANYONE, regardless of their journey. It's what sent me into an awful depression after my miscarriage. But eventually, it just wasn't worth it to me.

So the other part of this chapter is sort of saying goodbye to the infertility community. There was a time when it was so, so good to me, but the past couple of years hasn't been all rainbows and flowers. I am forever grateful for the amazing friendship that this journey has brought me, and while I don't understand not being able to move forward (same as I am sure they cannot understand why I don't hold onto the resentment), or why they hold onto that anger, I try to remain as positive and supportive as I can to those who want it. Not everybody does, and that's fine. I've reached out as long as I could, and pulled away when I realized it was needed, when support wasn't wanted. Sadly, this has meant being abandoned by most of the IF community, but there are a small few who welcome me & support me & in return, I will gladly give all the love & support that I can to them as well. These people have become AMAZING friends, whether I have met them in real life or not, and are people that I will cherish forever. I am walking away from all of this with some really great people beside me, and if that's how I leave the infertility community (or how the infertility community leaves me), then I am happy & content with that. Because I mean what I say -- these people, they know who they are, may be a small few, but have large hearts & I will forever be grateful to them for what they have given me.

I am ok with this. It has taken some time to put the hurt behind me -- the unfollows, blocks, deletions, being talked about behind my back by people that I thought were friends, the flat out being ignored when offering support -- it stung. And sometimes still does. But like I said, the GOOD that is following me is worth so much more than all the crap that came my way. I look forward to the post-IF life, and am so full of love for the ones who have stuck by me.

Closing these chapters, whatever the end result may be, is just what we need to do. I can't be angry. I don't want to be angry. Or bitter. Or resentful. Even if Lucas was our ONLY child, I am confident this would still be my course because even after Lucas, even before the talk of number two, I still felt this way. Maybe that's why this decision comes with so much peace & ease for both me & M. I'm grateful for what my journey taught me, the people it introduced me to, the ones who became friends, and I will admit, even for the ugly. In fact, even through the ugly M & I were able to strengthen our marriage. We were able to travel & meet new people. We lived, despite not necessarily wanting to. There was good inside all of the bad.

I want to move forward. I want to be happy. I am happy. I won't ever forget, but I don't want to dwell, either.There are still so many thoughts running through my head, but I think this is the best I can do at getting them all down. I hope this makes sense.

I can't wait for the things to come. I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm excited for this next chapter of our lives regardless.

The Third Trimester

The third trimester.

Whoa.

Eleven weeks. You know, give or take. That's all I have left of this pregnancy.

There have been so many emotions over the course of this whole thing. We are, of course, absolutely joyed at the thought of another little addition to our family, but there have been so many thoughts that have run through my head, and even more so as we get closer to the end of this chapter. Every day, those complex emotions change & evolve as well. Tomorrow, I may feel completely different about all of it. Who knows how I will be feeling in two months as we are preparing for the arrival of baby boy.

One of the greatest decisions that I have made recently was staying home. Spending time with Lucas has been so important to me, and even on the days that we do nothing, it is such a joy and so special to have that time with him, especially now. As we move closer and closer to my due date, we are preparing more for what's to come. But at the same time, it's hard to imagine how there could possibly be room in our hearts and our lives for more!

I know that this is all normal and I most definitely know that once this little one arrives, there will be room. We will adjust and adapt, the same way we adjusted and adapted when Lucas came into our world. There will be more on that later -- it's not quite a post I'm ready to share yet.

It's crazy to me just how quick this pregnancy has gone by. Most of that is due to the giant shift in my life, between no longer working and staying home, mixed with the constant chasing of a very busy toddler. Lucas keeps me constantly on my toes and our days fly by before I even know what's going on half the time. Getting to this point is surreal, because I truly don't know where the time has gone. This pregnancy has also been so different than it was with Lucas. I know this is normal, that every pregnancy can be different, and I am beyond grateful it has been as easy as it has been. Things are starting to get rough, with a lot of pain in the pelvic & hip area, but not nearly as bad as it was last time. I'm also just NOW dealing with it, which is loads better than dealing with it the entire time. I've been able to workout semi-regularly (something I wasn't abe to do at all last pregnancy) and my sleep is better (although not nearly as perfect as I want it to be!)

Baby is doing well as far as we know! Lots of movement, which was always my favorite part. I love pushing baby and having baby push back. This one is hanging out on the right side a lot like Lucas did. Rarely does he make his way over to the left. It cracks me up. He's a mover & a shaker, though, at all hours of the day. I know if I wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break, baby will wake up with me. This does make things a little difficult in the going back to sleep department, but at the same time, I love having those moments -- even if it's at 3am.

There's also a lot of emotion as we near closer to the end. This is it for us, as far as kids go. It's the closing of a very large chapter of our lives. Again, there will be more on this later in another post but it's a lot of ups & downs as we move onto another chapter of our lives, one no longer filled with TTC or RE's, IUI's or medicated cycles. It's complicated. Good. But complicated (in my head at least).

For now, I'm enjoying my time with the kidlet as much as I can. We have some fun weekends planned as a family. The countdown is on. And we can't wait.

Fall!

I love the Fall. LOVE IT. It's my absolute favorite time of year (except for the couple of weeks surrounding Christmas) & living in the South for as long as we have, I look forward to it even more every year. The cool weather. The changing leaves. Pumpkins. Good coffee. Sweaters & boots! All the things I love wrapped up into one perfect season.

Living here in North Carolina it's HOT most of the year. I mean, just plain stupid hot to the point that being outdoors is pointless and just not FUN. I am an outdoor girl. Growing up in the Pacific Northwest, we practically lived outdoors year 'round! So being here is just cruel most of the time because there is nothing enjoyable about sweating your ass off in 100 degree weather with crazy high humidity.

So when that temperature drops, we make the best of it.

Lucas was obviously around last fall, but with him being so little, there wasn't much he could do. Sure, we would strap him in the stroller and go for walks, but this year, at 19 months, he's so much more active and interested in learning. It's been such a joy taking him places and letting him explore on his own, finding new things he enjoys and generally just being the crazy little boy that he is.

I really wish this weather would last all year. I love being able to open the windows early in the morning, curled up on the couch under a blanket, with a giant mug of coffee. I just -- love this weather. I love all that it entails and everything we get to do because of it. It just makes me ... happy.

We went to a pumpkin patch a couple of weeks ago. M had the day off, so we loaded into the car and headed out. It was a Friday afternoon, so not exactly a busy time to go, but that made things nice as well. It wasn't crowded, so we essentially had the whole place to ourselves. Lucas LOVED the animals, and we had fun walking from area to area. He had a blast, and we enjoyed watching him figure things out. No pumpkin was decided on but maybe we will pick one up this weekend. I love being able to do these types of activities with him, and I am glad that we are able to do things like this now, before baby arrives.

This coming weekend, Lucas & I head up to Charlottesville again for a couple of days to see my dear dear friend, Lauren. I cannot wait! I know she has lots planned for us & I am looking forward to the beautiful scenery this time of year (and all the amazing food!)

Food. Or Lack There Of.

One of the toughest things that we have yet to battle with this wonderful kiddo of ours is food.

Food. It seems so simple, really. Give baby food. Baby eats. Everybody is happy. 

Except any parent of a toddler knows (and is probably laughing at me having already gone through all of this) is that it doesn't really work out that way, does it? Not now. Not for a long time it seems. 

Lucas used to be a great eater. LOVED FOOD. I mean, loved it, as evident by the chunkiness this kid has always been. But somewhere along the line -- maybe three months ago or so? -- he started getting picky. First it was simple things, where saying ok, no big deal, let's add in something else was the solution. But we are successfully at the point where throwing his entire plate of food onto the floor without touching a bite is a regular thing. 

Our go tos? Mac & cheese (or just cheese in general). Chicken nuggets. Peanut butter & jelly sandwhiches. The main staples in any kids life -- he won't touch it. And vegetables?? Hahahahaha! No freaking way. I mean, it's probably been a month since he has willingly touched a vegetable and even then it was one lonely green bean. One. Lonely. Green bean. 

But what can you do? I would be lying if I said there weren't many meals where I ended up in tears out of sheer frustration. I know my kid is on the heavier side (28 lbs at his 18 month checkup), and there are lots of parents out there who DO worry about their kids weight (we are not one of them), but you also want to make sure your kid is eating, and eating well. What kind of example are we setting if all we feed him is things that aren't the most nutritionally satisfying? While at the same time, how many times can I put things in front of my kid that he SHOULD be eating, only to have him dump it all on the floor without touching it. It's a really hard balance of wanting to make sure he is getting fed while also being fed well. 

I seem to be failing at the feeding him WELL area right now.

We did bring it up at our last appointment with our pediatrician and yes, she reassured us that this was all normal (which, we knew after having talked to many people) and that it all balances out. We came to the conclusion that my kid is not a "meal" kid, i.e. he won't sit for three meals a day. Instead, we've decided he's a grazer, and once I accepted this, things have been much better. There is still some frustration even with this concept, and the amount of food that he takes in completely varies from day to day. He can have a nothing but a banana and some goldfish one day, and the next I can't seem to give him enough food. So we just keep offering, throughout the day, and when he gives us the sign for food, we feed him. Some days are better than others, and I wish he wasn't such a picky eater, but when it comes down to it, as long as he is putting food in his mouth of any kind, that's what I have to go with. 

It's frustrating, and we want to set good examples as parents to get him off to the right start, but he rarely will eat what we eat (no matter HOW HARD I hide the "good" stuff), so I have to give him what he will. Some days that's loads of fruit. Other days it's nothing but cheerios and goldfish. But it's food. That's what counts, right? 

Eighteen Months

You guys, my kiddo is eighteen months old (and some change. I'm late on this post, as always). Eighteen months!

I don't know how we got here. My baby is not a baby. He's a toddler. A full-fledged little boy with personality & spunk & fire. He is growing like a week & continues to be the absolute joy of our lives. Being home with him these past couple of months has been such a great experience (although, not without it's hard days), a decision that not for one second do I regret. Seeing him thrive day in and day out has been a blessing.

To say that Lucas keeps us on our toes is a giant understatement. He is so curious & adventurous, completely without fear! This is something that worries me because if I take my eyes off him for two seconds, he is plunging himself off of couches or chairs with no worry to the consequences if one of us is not there to catch him. He is not afraid of taking chances, something that he gets purely from his father & not even a little ounce from me. At the same time, I love this quality in him and I hope it is one that he carries with him though life, never fearing anything & never afraid to take a chance or try something new. It's fantastic.

He is picking up words left & right, and we are up to about twenty words in his vocabulary as of right now. I still worry about his speech, mostly because words aren't always full. While I know what he is attempting to say, and we correct it every time so he constantly hears the correct pronunciation, there is still a part of me that wants to make sure he is on track. I have been reassured constantly that he is normal and as of right now, there is no delay, however the mama part of me just wants to keep at it. But whether or not he is speaking actual words, this kid babbles like nobody's buisness. He is a talker, thats' for sure, and sounds flow from his mouth from sun up to sun down. It's hilarious & amazing all at the same time. Recently, out of NOWHERE, he also decided he wanted to learn sign language. I tried when he was smaller but he had no interest in it whatsoever, so we quit. Seven months later with no practice, he started using "more" at meal times and in the past month has picked up five more signs, using them all correctly. I can definitey see some frustration in him when he doesn't know how to communicate what he wants; this is a rough time for parenting & for him, because he wants to communicate so badly but isn't totally sure how to do it. We are getting there and I am trying to pay attention to cues from him, while also trying to teach him patience (the kid has none!) when he can't do or get what he wants right away. He is growing so quick and picking up so much, but there is still such a barrier. We do our best, but it's not to say there aren't some frustrating days.

All in all, this kid is happy. More so now that we are home together than he was when he was in daycare. I think he enjoys being around mom & dad more (and oh boy, does he love his daddy!) while also on a regular routine. We sleep in. We have breakfast. We are out of the house and doing things together. It's been amazing to see a change that I wasn't really expecting. But this kid is happy. And awesome. Like I said, I am loving watching him thrive & grow. I truly cannot believe how fast it all is happening, especially with number two coming up so quickly. I'm taking in as many of these moments as I possibly can while it's just the three of us (and mostly just the two of us during the day).

July Adventures

It wasn't until I was going through some photos I recently uploaded for friends & family that I realized how jam packed our month of July was! It seemed that every weekend we were off doing something, and most of the time as a family! These past few months have just been so awful, so it's nice to look back at these past few weeks & see that even amidst the shit storm, we still made time together as a family (most of the time) to do something.

It's been great and so much fun. Part of me is sort of glad we aren't moving in a few weeks, so we can enjoy the weather here a little longer and do a few more things. There are a couple of places we still want to visit, and the beach is perfect this time of year.

The first weekend of July, Lucas and I headed North to Charlottesville, VA, to visit one of my dearest and greatest friends, Lauren. It was a weekend filled with orchards, vineyards (including Dave Matthew's personal vineyard ... Swoon!), a fantastic farmer's market, gorgeous scenery, too much humidity and hanging out and just enjoying time with a friend that I miss dearly! Lucas and I both had a blast, and while it was the farthest I had traveled with Lucas by car by myself (five hours total with stops) we had a blast. I LOVE that area. I had been once before when my best friend came out and we made the trek to see a Dave Matthews Band concert (die hards, I tell you), so I was happy to get back. Simply gorgeous & hopefully we as a family can make it up there again to see Lauren and her husband before we move/they take off to their next location!

The husband and I also decided one Saturday that we needed to get out of town, so we made the drive up to Raleigh (about an hour and a half drive for us) to visit the North Carolina Museum of Natural Science. We didn't really know what to expect but were pleasantly surprised by how wonderful this museum was! Completely kid friendly and Lucas LOVED every bit of it. It was so fun to see him run around and get excited about fish in tanks, live butterflies and all the other things he could get his hands on! We will definitely be heading back there soon.

Then, of course, since it's blistering hot here (well, not as bad as it COULD be. It's been a pretty mild summer in our neck of the woods) we've spent lots of time in various friends' pools as well as visiting the beach. Lucas loves the water and loved digging in the sand last weekend when we headed out to the Wilmington area. If I can convince the husband to do so, I want to go back out there this weekend! It's a bit of a drive, and parking is a bitch, but it was worth it for the time we were able to spend out there.

What about you? What have you done this summer? What are your favorite things to do in your area? I can't wait for August and September, and all the things we have planned!

Before the SCOTUS Rules: Our Family Thoughts

I try to stay away from political posts here because, well, that was kind of my former blogger life. It doesn't necessarily fit here, some of the things I would like to write about [I've considered starting a new blog just for that] and so I keep it away.

But today is different.

As I am sure you know, the Supreme Court of the United States is scheduled to rule on two MAJOR cases today, United States v. Windsor, U.S. Supreme Court, No. 12-307 and Hollingsworth v. Perry, U.S. Supreme Court, No. 12-144. More simply put, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and Proposition 8 out of California. Two huge landmark cases that could alter the course of this country in a monumental way, giving citizens of this country the right to marry whom they want in states that allow it, and in the DOMA case, specifically, be recognized by the national government & entitlements given to man/woman marriages.

My husband and I were talking about this the other day on our way to a friends house. I was telling him about a blog post I had read from one of my favorite bloggers, in which she was questioning the gender choices her son was making, making a simple statement that they would let him be who he wanted to be, with no judgement & no fear of what his parents might think as he got older. It's a post that brings me to tears every time I read it, as it is a beautiful representation of what kind of parents WE want to be to our children. We discussed further that in our house, our children will know tolerance. They will know acceptance. They will be taught from as soon as they can understand that we treat every single person equally, no matter what their race, sex, gender, political beliefs, or general life choices may be. We are all equals, even if what they do/are/think/say is different than what we do/are/think/say.

And if the day comes that one of our children approaches us, telling us that they are gay, or making a lifestyle choice that seems to be outside of the perceived "normal" that they will come to us without fear of disappointing either of us, or worry that we will be angry or hurt. They will come to us like any other conversation we have had and know that we will accept them, 100%, for who they are. We believe this, with our whole heart, and will strive for the rest of our lives to teach ours kids to believe the same.

Living in the South, I see a lot of hatred. I have seen fathers get mad at their young sons for playing with "sparkly" things. I have seen mothers take away trucks & toys that "are for boys." I have heard more awful things about people that are perceived different that could fill a lifetime. It's hard for this Pacific Northwest girl, where I was raised the way I want to raise my kids, to hear & see these things. But it is further proof that my husband and I need to work harder to teach our children different than what they may see around them. We were both brought up to accept everyone. I hope we can succeed at teaching our children the same line of thinking.

I hope that SCOTUS does the right thing today. Even if they don't, it won't change our opinions or our feelings. I LOVE that my husband feels so passionately about these issues as I do. [His response when we played the "what if our son comes to us one day?" scenario? "I would be excited!" I love him so much.]

No freedom 'til we're equal.

Our Friends*

People, I am getting nervous about the move. Like, really nervous.

There is so much to do, that I don't even know where to start. So much packing. So much throwing away of things. Finding a house [and the argument that has come up between M & I -- to buy or not to buy]. The job situation, or lack thereof. And just -- MOVING.

Moving is stressful.

I think what terrifies me the most is starting over. I'm no stranger to starting over, at all. We moved -- A LOT -- when I was a kid. My dad was a computer engineer so we went where the jobs were. Washington. Utah. Oregon. Back to Washington. Florida. Back to Washington. Moves within the state. My four years at college was the longest I had ever been in ONE place. For a long time, I was used to adjusting [we weren't even Army!!]

But we have been here for a while now. Seven years, which in military terms is practically a LIFETIME. When I first moved here, I was able to find some good friends, one in particular, S, who was my mutual lifeline back home. We were both from Washington, and actually knew quite a lot of the same people. We were introduced by another mutual friend & with our husbands deploying together [another coincidence] we were inseparable. I was introduced to a couple other people through my husband [wives of his friends] and found my own group of friends through a job & social events. "Hey, I like your bra!" was one of my pickup lines at a baseball game almost seven years ago. C & I have been friends ever since.

A lot of those early friendships have come & gone. S moved back to Seattle, ended up getting divorced & left the military wife life all together. While we still keep in touch, the communication isn't nearly what it used to be. Some friendships came to ugly ends. Others just faded over time, as friendships sometimes do. All of this is OK. It happens. LIFE happens. ESPECIALLY in a military town where people are coming and going with the wind.

But somewhere along the way I found my groove, so to speak. We found a really great group of people that have constantly been so supportive of our lives. Not to mention they are just truly amazing people. When I got pregnant & had Lucas, it was such a huge shift in our lifestyle. A very, very good one, but a lesson to learn none the less. As a full time working mom, battling post-partum depression and figuring out how to balance my child with my life with my husband with my job, things changed. There wasn't time for much of a social life, nor did we really want one. Suddenly the get-together's we used to have with beer pong tournaments [oh yes. I am AMAZING at beer pong. I promise you this!!!] and late night cookouts with all of our other couple friends [with the occasional group of singles mingling in!] just weren't appealing. It was all I could to do get up, get my kid to daycare, go to work, pick him up, get him home, feed him, bath him, make dinner for M & I. When there WAS free time, it was spent calling family I hadn't talked to in weeks. Worrying about the health of my grandfather. Responding to emails. Trying to spend a few minutes with my OWN husband before falling into bed. Or just breathing, trying to keep the crazy that was swirling in my head at bay.

Any communication I got from the outside world was welcome, although I wasn't very good at responding, aside from the occasional text message. But this group -- this wonderful, wonderful group that we had established pre-baby -- they understood this. There was no judgement for not keeping in touch. No anger for missing an event or leaving early. We don't talk behind each others backs & be nice to each others faces. They have given me a place to stay when I needed it. They have offered to watch the kiddo so M & I can get away for a night. They drop off soup when we are sick & offer to pick up some groceries if they are out. They check in knowing that it may be a while before either one of us gets back to them. They offer support when something goes wrong & are encouraging when we open up about things we had been keeping to ourselves. They love our child like their own, cry with us, celebrate with us, and understand when they need to be put on the back-burner for a bit so we can get our own life back on track.

They love us & we love them. They are our family. No matter how far away we end up moving, THESE people will be in our lives forever.

But still, I will miss them. Starting over somewhere new again is much harder in your 30's. Making QUALITY friends at this age is tough. I'm not the open book that I used to be, and I'm trying much harder to be a little more protective of our life. Putting myself out there again is scary & not something I am really looking forward to. It will be easy to get into the mindset of "we aren't going to be here for long, so what's the point?" and I am going to try and not do that. I NEED a social life, even if it's just a lunch date once a month!

But. I will miss my peeps. And even though the Army is going to send us all our ways this year [it seems we are ALL moving -- not just my family] I love these people. They know I love them. They know who they are. And I hope that my husband is prepared for my already WAY TOO MANY text messages to sky rocket. Sorry babe :)

One Year*

Dear Lucas,

This past Friday, we celebrated your first birthday. You are officially ONE and no longer a baby (although you will always be MY baby).

This first birthday hit your father and I like a ton of brick, me more than him. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how we got here so fast. I remember your birth like it was yesterday

I adore you a little more every day, even through the trying times. I LOVE how, in the past couple of weeks, you finally understand the word "hug" and how free you are to give those hugs anytime you are asked. To me. To the dogs. To the two other kids at daycare. To Daddy? Not so much yet, but we are working on it. You squeeze my neck so tight and come in, mouth wide open, for a slobbery kiss. It is one of my favorite moments of the day and I try to get as many hugs from you as possible. I especially love how, late at night, when I am cradling you in the rocker before bed, you throw that left arm around my neck, prop your foot on my shoulder & hold on tight. There is a reason I still rock you for a few minutes every night -- that is it right there. I want to hold onto those moment as long as I can, because I know there will be a time when you won't let me cradle you like that anymore. I need to get it in when I can!

Your favorite games right now are playing peek-a-boo & "pushing" mom & dad around the floor. The giggles that we get from you when we scoot across the carpet are enough to make anybody within earshot burst into giggles. You are learning so quick & are so proud of yourself when you figure out something new. We love watching you learn & grow and while reaching this milestone has been difficult, it's a bittersweet moment.

I am pretty sure that if I let you, you would eat all day, every day. You are such a boy, in more ways than one! Food is your friend and you are DEFINITELY your mother's child -- if I only fed you cheese and pasta all day, every day, you would be the happiest kid on the planet. You play hard and love hard. We forget sometimes that some of the little girls in your life are a little daintier than you are, but we are working on those boundaries. I am sure that your daddy and I will be in a lot of trouble as you grow bigger.

We love you so much. You have been such a light in our life these past 12 months and despite all the struggles, we would not change a single thing. You are so sweet & caring -- that is apparent even now. You have been an easy child and a light in the lives of many. There are so many people in your life who love you so much. As hard as it is to say goodbye to you being a "baby," I cannot wait for this new step into toddler-hood, and cannot wait to see what the next six months and year bring.

Stay sweet baby boy. We love you.

Eleven Months*

We are officially counting down the days to the first birthday!

How did we get here??

Lucas hit the 11 month mark last Friday & in a way, it brought some sadness to my heart. Not because of what we have or what is to come, but I quickly realized how FAST this year is going. I'm just a few short weeks away from no longer having a baby, and having a full-blown toddler (even though he is very toddler-like in many, many ways).

It's crazy. And awesome. And sad all at the same time.

This past month has been rough for us. Around the time of the awful stomach virus that landed us in the ER for a night, we were graced with TWO WHOLE WEEKS of sleeping through the night. It was amazing. But as quick as it came, it went away, and I believe that we have been on Molar Watch 2013 ever since. Which has meant nights with sometimes three, four, five, SIX (yes, even six one time) wake-ups a night. I have another post about the sleep habits of my child, but I will tell you now, it has been rough. Between a rough pregnancy and a child who does not sleep through the night (and when he does, on occasion, sleep until at least five a.m.) I'm staring down the barrel at two years without a full-nights sleep. That shit will make you crazy after a while.

But despite the rough nights, he continues to grow and be amazing. He is officially all over the place & has become faster than even I can keep up with sometimes. He is funny & so full of personality. We are working on words, and while we have "mama" & "dada" down pretty well, we continue to introduce & repeat words to him in hopes that he will pick up some more. This is not at all anything I'm worried about at this point, but I would love for him to throw out a couple more words on a regular basis. He will get there!

He continues to LOVE food, as if you couldn't tell! He will try anything and if he doesn't initially like it, he will eat it regularly within a couple more tries. He is definitely his mother's child, because pasta (and, well, any kind of carb!) doesn't last long in front of him. Mac & Cheese are favorites, as well as eggs, chicken sausage and puffs. He seriously cannot get enough of the dang puffs.

The curly hair is coming in thicker and faster then ever before! Looking back at pictures from even just December, it's amazing how much hair this kid is growing (well, for a little blond haired baby!) We cannot quite figure out where the curls are coming from, but we hope they stick around and never leave. We all ADORE them! 

During this past month, we also took another, unexpected trip back to Seattle to say goodbye to my Grandpa. It was hard emotionally & physically, but not something that was unexpected. That is another post for another day, one that I am having difficulties writing, but Lucas was as good as he could have been being out of his element for so long. The trip was long, and we were constantly on the move to see family & friends during this time. But he was a champ & despite a rough sleep schedule, I know the entire family enjoyed having him around. 

I am so excited for this last month of your first year, while trying to hold on to it at the same time. I cannot wait to see what year two brings us as we continue to grow, change & adapt.

First Birthday Prep*

It's hard to believe that in just a few short weeks, my little guy will be celebrating his first birthday.

I mean, really hard to believe.

So hard, in fact, that I get choked up from time to time thinking about the fact that we are getting ready to embark on this celebrating. I won't talk too much about it, because I want to save all of it for his one year post, but in the mean time, it's safe to say that we have started planning for the festivities!

I have been to some pretty extravagant first birthday parties before, but I promise we are not going that route. For starters, we don't have a ton of room in our tiny home! But also, we want to keep it as simple as possible with close friends. A small, quaint gathering for some yummy food, beverages & celebrating the awesome kid that we have had the joy of getting to know this past year!

When we originally started talking about his first birthday, we wanted to do a Star Wars theme. Because, well, his name is Lucas. And it would have been cool. But I'm picky & I couldn't find the type of decorations I wanted, so we scrapped that. And instead, we are going with a Mustache Bash! I thought it would be fun and of course, Pinterest had a ton of great ideas. Most of the actual links were broken (so if you know where any of these came from, let me know so I can give proper credit) except for this one, but we are definitely getting on the ball with making this as adorable as possible. I can't wait for the big day!

The Follow Up (a.k.a. YOU GUYS ROCK!)

First off, I want to say a big THANK YOU to all the support from my post the other day. I received so many comments, twitter message, emails and text messages from real-life friends that it was slightly overwhelming. Although definitely reassuring.

It truly means a lot that y'all care so much. I really, really do appreciate it!

I do want to clarify that I hope the stay-at-home-mom types out there did not take any offense to what I wrote. I fully realize that staying at home with your child (or children) brings on a COMPLETELY different set of issues in a marriage than those of us who work outside the home. My experiences and my frustrations are from my perspective only, as are your experiences yours and yours alone. I think it's impossible to not wonder what it's like on the other side, or how somebody else experiences things. So if I offended somebody, I truly am sorry.


With that said, it is amazing how many of you feel the exact same way that I have been feeling lately. I promise that things are not ALL BAD in my marriage. Obviously, if they were, than I would not be here. I am committed to my husband I know, deep in my heart, that things will work out the way that they are meant to. It's just going to take some work on his part, and mine, to find a balance that works for us. But I love him, and he loves me, and we will do what it takes to get back on track. I know this. But it definitely makes me fell less alone in this whole journey. So thank you to all of you who shared your struggles! This shit is difficult!

I am sure that there are others out there who have talked about this issue before. The problem is that I don't know where they are. I am 32 years old, making me 31 when I gave birth to Lucas last year. In terms of having your first child in the military community, this makes me somewhat ARCHAIC. I mean, truly old in the grand sense of things. I do not know many women this age who are popping out kids for the first time. They may be STILL having children, but a good majority of the women I know my own age (or close to) are on their second, third, fourth (sometimes fifth & sixth!) children. When they were having their first kids, I was not even remotely close to thinking about having children. So their experiences, even if they were the same as mine are now, were not something that was discussed. I even know women in my circle who have teenagers. TEENAGERS. So when I feel like I am drowning, while I completely appreciate any support that is thrown my way, it's different.

I stand by my statement that this shit is hard, but sometimes I just want somebody to say YES. THIS. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DEALING WITH TOO. It's nice to hear that things get better, but it's also hard to take seriously (sometimes!) when you are in the middle of the ocean, treading water for hours on end with no boat in sight to give you relief. Sometimes I want a swimmer to join me, so we can get through it together.

We weren't lucky enough to *enjoy* the baby-makings. The road was long and hard for us, and while others were excited because it was easy for them, I was surrounding myself with others who were struggling as well. It's no understatement that infertility is hard on a couple, and there were many tears during our journey. Before that? We were focused on back to back deployments to Iraq (one that lasted 15 months while the second lasted 12 months) and surviving THOSE as a couple. During that time, I found a new group of people who were there to help & offer support. Before THAT? We were brand spanking new to each other. We have weathered a lot as partners. We will weather this.

Our relationship has had plenty of ups and downs, and through ALL OF THOSE, I have always found what one friend said to me yesterday, was "truth and honesty in a sea of bullshit." A beacon that led me to the individuals that I needed to help me through. Each step in the road has led to some AMAZING women who have become true gems in my life, all with different purposes. Being a working, infertile, 30-something, new mom, military spouse is, uh, kind of a small niche. I don't expect to find 100 people who fit this bill, but hopefully I can find a few. And if I can speak out for what others are feeling so they feel less alone, whether they fit one or all of those descriptors? I will do that, too.

So thank you. Thanks for the love. Thanks for the support. And here is to happier times!

Where was the Warning Label?

I feel cheated. 

The parenting books you read during pregnancy?? All those websites. All the research. Every piece of literature that I picked up. They prepare you for the basics of taking care of a child -- and they do this well. They DON'T give you any warning as to how tough being a parent is going to be. How it will not only affect your life, but also your marriage. 

NOBODY tells you how hard it's going to be! Everybody says "oh, just wait, things will change." Well you know what? A little more detail would have been nice! Being a mother is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life, and I adore that child more than anything else in this world. But Lucas didn't just come in and "change" our marriage. He came in, demolished it with the biggest stick of dynamite he could find, and right now we're waiting for the blue prints to be finalized so we can start rebuilding again.

This shit is really, really hard. 

We wanted this for so long. We tried so hard & we suffered so much. The depression I had during my pregnancy was equal to that of what I felt post-miscarriage. It was different, but equal at the same time. And even though I was completely miserable during the entire 42 weeks, both physically and mentally, I still felt so connected to my husband. I believe, even though I know how hard it was for him to witness, he would say the same thing. There was closeness. And bonding. And love much deeper than we had before. 

I'm not sure where all of that went. 

It's frustrating for me to see other couples with new babies have it so easy. Or at least, SEEM to have it easy. They go about their day. They praise their spouses & talk about how wonderful all of this is. It makes me wonder, what the hell are we doing wrong, that we can't figure this out? Am I the only one? If not, then why don't people talk about this?? Why aren't people more honest about how really, really hard it is to have a baby? We fight -- ALL THE TIME. I mean, all the time. Over the dumbest shit. My anxiety levels are at an all time high post-baby. I feel like I need to go on a heavy dose of Zanax to get through the day, because there are times where I find myself getting worked up over the smallest, most insignificant things. I don't doubt, for a second, that I am slightly OCD -- something that has only gotten worse with age -- but it is not necessary to be upset because Lucas didn't go down for a nap at the time you wanted. Or because bottles weren't washed in a specific way. Or because socks weren't put on when they clearly needed to be. In my head, I know that these arguments that spiral out of control are crazy. I HEAR the crazy coming out of my mouth & out of his. But it can't be stopped. A small, tiny, insignificant arguments about peaches or pears turns into a monumental argument with the ripple effect lasting for days.

I don't know if it's almost two years of interrupted sleep. Or the fact that being a working mom is really, really fucking hard. Or the fact that BOTH of us work & have long days, whether it's him getting home late or me having to run errands after I pick up Lucas from daycare. But when you have all this pent up frustration, there really is only one place it can go. Is it fair that we direct it towards each other on a daily basis? No. Does it makes sense? Yes. I want to throw & break things regularly, but that's not really an option (besides, I really like my dishes!) So screaming & yelling, as unhealthy as it may be, is the next logical step. 

The easy solution is to say hey, let's spend some more time together. Let's get out of the house. You know, do something & focus on each other for a while. But there seems to be no time, on top of everything else, because the kid takes up every second that we have free. If it's not one thing, it's another. Especially at this age. Ten months old and he is all over the place. And opinionated. And clingy. And, you know, wanting things. M made a very good point the other day -- that Lucas has essentially driven a wedge between us & our marriage. But what do we do? It's not like I can set him free for the day & wish him the best of luck so M & I can hang out like we used to. By the time the weekend rolls around, we are both too exhausted to do anything that doesn't involve the couch, let alone take the effort getting dressed up and going out in public. 

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that counseling is in our future. It has to be. For whatever reason, we are HORRIBLE communicators. I mean, really, really bad. But counseling has always done wonders for us, so we are going to revisit that. I also know that I continue to feel so alone in our struggles & I don't want others to feel the way that I do. I have talked to a couple other moms who are going through the same thing, and I admit, it makes all of this a little easier, knowing that it's not just us that are struggling. I am insanely jealous of those with easier schedules, those who can do what they want, when they want, and not have to worry about having every single minute of every single day accounted for. I know that the two hours a night that I get my kid, between the time we get home in the evenings and the time he goes to bed, he is my world and I don't see much else. This has to be hard on M, but I don't know what else to do. I can't quit my job. Nor do I want to. It's a Catch 22. 

Either way, I think more moms out there need to be honest with the newbies. No more sugar coating things. Had I been a little more prepared to what this was going to be like, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't expect so much from my significant other. Maybe HE would understand me a little better about how I feel on a day to day basis & what I am going through. Maybe it's a working mom thing, because it's only the working moms I know who are struggling right along side me. 

I don't know. 

All I know, is that there should have been a warning label  A heads up about the rough & sometimes painful path we were about to embark on. Maybe we would have been a little more prepared.