Halloween

Our first Halloween in Germany is officially in the books! I can't tell you enough how much fun we had this year, our little family of four.

Because we live on post, and therefore live in stairwell apartments, ever set up tables outside there stairwell entrance and hands out candy. We met up with a few other families and did things pot-luck style, while we took turns taking the kids trick-or-treating. This was Lucas's first real Halloween, and we really had a blast!

I have to say, Lucas won't wear a costume. He has a few minor sensory issues that we are positive he will eventually outgrow, and the kid is the cleanest in the world when it comes to doing crafts because he doesn't like his hands to get dirty. A costume was completely out of the question but we so badly wanted to take him trick-or-treating, knowing he would understand things a little better, so, we sort of had to work with what we had and get a little creative this year!

I introduce to you, Albert Einstein!

I seriously am dead from the cuteness of his costume this year. DEAD! It was such a hit! I honestly didn't think it would work out as well as it did, but when we realized an actual costume was out of the question, we tried to come up with some other plans. And I mean, that hair!! What else were we going to do? It was a little brilliant, and everybody got a good chuckle out of it. Plus, he rocked it!

We spent about an hour and a half walking around the buildings near our house, and while Lucas was a little hesitant at first, he eventually got the hang of it, especially once he realized that when he said "trick or treat!" it resulted in candy in his bag! He loved hitting all the candy stations & tables, and we loved walking around with him. It was so sweet, and everybody was so nice. Our neighborhood in North Carolina was a DUD for Halloween, so it was truly fun to see so many kids running around in great costumes, to see other parents having fun, PLUS we got to eat some really great food with some pretty great company!

Don't worry, Max was there, too!

He didn't care about the costume, and was more than happy to just observe all the craziness & people watch. He hung out in his stroller, at some mac & cheese for dinner and generally enjoyed all the shenanigans. He was the cutest pumpkin ever!

We really did have such a wonderful evening, even post trick-or-treating, spending the evening with our upstairs neighbors. The kids had a blast, and we had a great time with friends. We have vowed that next year we will deck out our stairwell and man our own table, but it was nice to spend some time with friendly faces. A very successful Halloween as a family of four!

Sleepless Nights, Part 2

Last week or so, I wrote about the sleep issues that we were having with our toddler, Lucas. I briefly mentioned that we were also having issues with Max, and while we are making headway with him, too, I'm saving his explanation for another blog post. I am happy to report that things with Lucas are getting better, although slowly. BUT ... better.

My husband was out of town for about three weeks, and I was left alone with two children that basically hated sleep. Which was truly unfortunate because I LOVE SLEEP. Like, a lot. I selfishly miss the days of being able to go to bed whenever I want, wake up whenever I want, nap whenever I want ... etc. You get the idea. But, you know, parenting.

As I mentioned, Lucas has been improving, with some pretty major leaps & bounds. We no longer stay with him in his bed, or even in his room, until he falls asleep, something we had done for weeks on end. We are also back to a scheduled 8pm bedtime. He generally doesn't like it when we leave the room, but we have compromised with leaving the door open for him and our bedroom light on (which seeps into his room just enough). He will fuss for a minute, and may call out after a little while, but we don't even go to him, tell him he's fine, and tell him to just close his eyes. More often than not, I have used the "you don't have to go to sleep, but you need to lay here" line, which fools him just enough to think that he doesn't actually have to go to bed.

I battled the two hour scream fest for the first couple of weeks my husband was gone (something that had been going on for a month up until that point), until I remember that I had bought some Zarbee's night time cough syrup when we first got here, because Lucas was so sick, and was not sleeping well due to waking himself up at night. It had the smallest amount of melatonin in it, and we reluctantly gave it to him. Neither my husband or I are fans of melatonin, for the simple fact that it's a hormone, and there hasn't been a lot of research on it in children. People also mistake it for a sleep aid, which it is not. It simply helps to reset your clock, and helps your body say "oh hey, it's pitch black, I should sleep now." I have no issue with other people using it, and if you do, I promise I'm not getting all judgy on you. To each their own, ESPECIALLY when it comes to your kids! But in the past it wasn't for us.

Until I was averaging about three hours of sleep a night while solo parenting.

If you're not familiar with Zarbee's, it's awesome. It's a totally natural, honey-based cough syrup. There are no drugs in it, just all natural ingredients, so overdosing is impossible. So I broke down, out of pure desperation, and gave it to him. And for the first time in MONTHS, my kid was out cold by 8pm. And he slept the entire night.

It was a damn miracle.

I did this for a week, to help get him back on a normal, routine bedtime. It also helped keep him calm leading up to 8pm, so we were able to do our normal routine. Bath. Books. Snuggles. Lights out. I stopped using it about a week ago, and he is back to his normal schedule, all on his own. The hyperactivity is still there, although when he gets good sleep at night, it's not nearly as bad the next day. The amount of energy that this kid has is seriously high, so keeping him active has also been equally important, although doesn't always work. We have zero TV after the morning, unless it's raining out and we may watch a movie. But by dinner time it's off for good, we play and start the calming down process because it seriously takes THAT LONG to get him to a point where he's ready for bed. We use a sound machine (always have) and have dark curtains. I think, more than anything, he is becoming more comfortable with his bed and his surroundings, to realize that it really is his space.

We still deal with wake ups in the middle of the night. It's a 50/50 situation as to whether or not he will sleep all night, but with M home now, he has been tackling the toddler wakeups. Which, for me is a huge, huge help. It gives me a chance to focus on Max (my next blog post) and getting HIM on a normal sleep schedule that doesn't involve me waking up three or four times a night.

The past few nights have been good. I am not nearly as exhausted as I was last week (or previous weeks) and overall his attitude and behavior has been SO MUCH better than I mentioned in my previous post, confirming for us at least, that everything was sleep related. Hewe  still naps during the day, although I do try to get him down as early as possible (closer to 12:30 or 1pm) to maximize the afternoon and give us plenty of time to be active. Some days napping doesn't happen, but on those days I make him play in his room by himself, and we make sure we are not at all sedentary, because come 4pm, if he sits down, he will pass out. As long as his behavior is good, we keep going and he gets a much earlier bedtime to make up for it.

All in all, huge, massive improvements. Which makes mommy very, very happy.

Parenting of Two & Mommy Guilt

A good friend of mine wrote a very honest post today about her fears of life after having a second child. I could have written her entire post myself at that time during my pregnancy and those fears are still very fresh in my mind. We are only six weeks into this thing, after all. And it got me thinking -- I haven't had much time to write lately because, well, LIFE. But it struck a chord with me and I needed to get some thoughts and emotions down, not only for her, but for myself, too.

I will admit that I have been very vocal about how difficult adjusting to two (especially two UNDER two!) has been. Not necessarily here, but in other places (hi, twitter!) and to other people. It was a rough go at first, this whole parenting of two thing. Maybe things would have been different had the things that happened not, you know, actually  happened. But they did, and a new baby, a toddler, a hospital visit, a family death -- it adds up. Especially while you're trying to figure out your new routine & dealing with those pesky post-partum hormones. The fact that I made it through that first month alive is a friggin' miracle, people. Truth be told, I'm not quite sure how I managed that.

I'm not going to lie and say that it has gotten easier, because at this point it really hasn't. Those first couple of weeks were the hardest, and I have had more than my fair share of guilt through all of it up to this point.  There are days where I don't feel like I spend enough time with Lucas, or give him enough snuggles, or engage with him the way that I want to. The TV has been on more than I care to admit, just so that we can get through the day. There are also times when I feel awful for putting Max down in the swing or pack & play immediately after feeding him. And then leaving him there for a couple of hours while he sleeps. He's my last baby, and I should be holding him more & taking advantage of these fleeting moments, but I don't always.

Figuring out how to balance the needs of a newborn while also spending quality time with my nearly two year old has been a challenge, one that I haven't quite mastered yet. I go to bed some nights angry at myself for being so short tempered that day, or a little too distant with both my boys. For snapping one too many times. For grabbing Lucas away from something he shouldn't be in a little too hard. For leaving Max in the pack and play for three hours during his nap and just sitting on the couch. For letting him cry longer than I EVER would have let Lucas cry because I'm dealing with other things and can't quite get to him THAT SECOND. These thing, they hurt my heart. Honestly. Most days end with me feeling like a total failure at life and motherhood (let's not even discuss as a wife, because I'm pretty sure I'm failing on an even bigger front there) & every night I vow to be better when I wake up. Sometimes I am. Most times I am not. This adjustment is hard, and every single day I go into it with no clue as to how we are going to do it. I just know that it WILL happen, and through hell or high water, we will make it through the day. Whether my sanity is in tact or not is another question, but we do it the best we can.

But that's just it -- I'm doing the best that I can. I am not very good at reminding myself of this but every once in a while I sneak it in there, when I'm having a particularly rough day. My boys? They don't love me any less because I'm not crafting together some expertly planned at-home curriculum. In fact, I'm sure Lucas loves me a little more because he's gotten to watch Bubble Guppies for the 50th time today. He doesn't mind playing with the same cars over and over. And even though he is upset if I yell or snap at him, there are always hugs minutes later and we are back to life as normal. All is forgotten and we laugh, giggle, play ... whatever we need to do. Despite my shortcomings as a mother with him, he continues to lavish me with hugs and kisses on a daily basis. The snuggles that I lack with Max during the day, I make up at night after our late-night feedings, often sacrificing sleep to get the quite alone-time and snuggles that we missed during the day. Even through the bad moments, the ones that come after them more than make up for the guilt that I feel.

I am far from perfect, and in my head, the bad-mom moments far outweigh the good-mom moments. But this is still so new. And hard. It is what it is, however, and despite venting my frustrations from time to time, I wouldn't trade it for anything. We figure it out, we change when things don't work, and even though I tell myself that I am doing my best, I still go to bed feeling bad. But it's not forever, and I know that eventually, we will get into a good routine. Someday the boys will grow up and not need me. Right now? They need me. So we keep at it. All those fears that I had before having Max (the fears that my friend is having right now) are all still there, and I live them every day. I wish I could say that there was some magic button that made all those fears go away after giving birth, but in actuality they were probably intensified. But we wade through them, attempting to make the best of it. I am not very good at forgiving myself for the bad days, but deep down I know that the boys won't remember these moments like I will, so I keep doing my best, telling myself to just keep swimming, and working on bettering the moments that we have together. Because really, what else can I do? At the end of the day, no matter how awful I feel about what happened during waking hours, it is still amazing that I am the mother to these two wonderful kids. It's a balancing act, one that I am still working on mastering.

In the end, we are healthy & happy, and that's all that really matters. Mommy failures or not.