Hope*

Everybody out there who has TTC for a significant amount of time knows that living your life month to month is just the nature of the beast.

Every month, we count the days, stress over the two week wait, crucially analyze every single detail and symptom that our body throws our way, and keep those fingers crossed when your last cycle day approaches, we hope that we were right and our dear monthly friend doesn't show up.

My body for the most part has been like clockwork. I had some rough times after my miscarriage, and it took me a good year before I was back on any sort of "normal" schedule. AF didn't show up for three and a half months after the miscarriage, and when it did it landed me in the ER. Every month after that was a good guess as to when she would show up. Sometimes it was two weeks later. Others it wasn't for a good six weeks.

But for the past year, it's been back to it's regular clock-like schedule. And like usual, I've been analyzing every. single. symptom that comes my way.

Except this month, it's been more or less lack of symptoms.

Around CD 14 or 15 EVERY SINGLE MONTH, my ta ta's get sore. They swell up like balloons, and for the following two weeks are extremely sore and irritating. It sucks, but it's also my most reliant indicator that I am indeed not pregnant.

That soreness is also typically followed by general irritation with people and life in general. The moodiness is unreal. It's gotten better since I started on Prozac a couple of months ago, but it's still there. I'm telling you, I am a walking and talking text book case study on PMS symptoms every month.

But here I am -- CD 21 -- and .... well .... nothing.

No soreness. No irritation. No moodiness. Eight/nine days away from what should be CD1 showing up, and NOTHING.

Which of course, is just making my mind RACE.

I mentioned that last week I had my HSG test done, which happened on CD 12. Since it was my first time doing the test, I really don't know what to expect. Does it screw up your system? Does it throw things for a loop and mess with your hormones? I don't know!

But it wouldn't it be something if I WAS pregnant?

This is exactly the line of thinking that gets me in trouble every month. Every month I think about what might be, and am always disappointed when it doesn't actually happen. But this month, different things are leading me down that same road. So because it's the one time that it's different all around .... could it be?

I'm trying SO HARD to not think about it. Not stress about it. Not even give myself the shiny glimmer of hope that it could be true. Because I hate having my heart broken every 30 days.

But damn .... what it?

Breakfast Salad*

In my attempt to eat better, and start early on that New Years resolution of losing weight [while also making myself more healthy for the baby making thing!] I've been trying a lot of new recipes. Through Pinterest, I stumbled upon this lovely dish:

Apartment Therapy is one of my favorite sites to visit, and they also have some wonderful recipes. This one was no exception and I just happened to have everything needed to make it hanging out in the fridge.

This was incredibly easy to make, and you could adjust to what you have in your fridge. But I threw some sliced avocado, sliced tomato wedges. some fresh basil (or whatever herbs you happen to have in your fridge), a sprinkle of parmesan cheese, a poached egg on top and some salt and pepper for seasoning. All in all, it took about five minutes to make.

I love poached eggs, but don't eat them very often. I also l.o.v.e. avocado and have been trying to eat more tomatoes as of late. So this was a perfect breakfast salad that kept me nice and full! Enjoy!

Thirty*

I remember sitting down one year ago and thinking about what the last year of my 20's would hold. I had big plans for 2010 and I had an overwhelming feeling that it would be a year of happiness. There are some years that go by so quickly and uneventfully that looking back you can hardly remember one day from the next. 2010 was not that year.

It was a year that changed with the seasons from heartache and disbelief to acceptance, renewal, laughter and hope. There was soul-searching and late night heart-to-hearts with friends (and lots and lots of wine). This wasn’t the year I thought it would be, or the year I planned. I lost my way for a while, only to re-find it months later along with a strength in myself I didn’t even know was there. My journey has not been short or smooth, but I feel so grateful for where I am today.

I made a lot of goals for myself for 2010, and didn't actually accomplish all of them. But, I'm ok with that.

I have one week left of my 20's. Next Tuesday I turn 30, and am so hopeful that 2011 will be our year. But I feel that I am in a much better place now than I was one year ago, both mentally and physically. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and even more blessed to have built the relationships that I did this year. I'm ready for the next decade of my life. My 20's were so fabulous to me, and I have so many wonderful memories, but I'm ready for the next stage of my life. I'm ready to be a mom. I'm ready to make some physical changes that need to be made. I'm ready to do whatever I need to do.

Here's to 2011, and the next chapter of my life.

Snow*

We got a TON of snow here in NC on Sunday, about 8 inches -- by far the most snow that I've ever seen in the five years we have been living here. As a Pacific Northwesterner, and a former resident of Colorado, I always love when we get a real winter around here.

Because neither myself or my husband are afraid of a little snow, we decided to bundle up and head out. Typically, I would avoid exchanging any Christmas gifts the day after, but in this town the minor threat of snow is enough to shut everything down. We had a couple of things we needed to return, so we took to the streets. It was perfect.

Sadly, most of the snow has melted, and only a few piles remain with no more in the forecast anytime soon.

I have this entire week off of work, which has been glorious. Sadly, I'm using my free time to do things like clean out my closet and the pantry. Things that desperately need to be done, but that I have not had the time TO do due to my insane work schedule. But in a weird way, I am sort of enjoying the purging that is happening in our house!

We have WAY too much stuff!

But mostly, I'm just enjoying the time off. And the cold weather. The south really isn't a place for me -- too hot. I'm not a fan. So when we do get a wintery blast, I LOVE love love it!

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

photographer mittens*

As a photographer, I've been doing a lot of Christmas sessions in the last couple of months. And it's oh so cold. But, since I sort of need my fingers for the clicking of the camera, my hands often suffer.

This, however, is pure genius. I really need to pick up my knitting needles again and figure how to make these wonderful items! They would definitely go to good use!

My Christmas Wish*

Last week I mentioned going in for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test, which I was more than nervous about. After a very uncomfortable 15 minutes (although not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be) and a fabulous doctor who talked me through the entire process, it's official -- I have open tubes.

Hooray!

So the next step is a follow up with my primary doctor, and hopefully a prescription for clomid to begin on the next cycle. Of course, in between all of that is the dreaded two week wait and the wondering if I'll be that lucky soul who gets pregnant following the HSG.

I hate waiting. I have a major instant gratification problem, so this month to month thing doesn't really suit my personality. But, it is what it is, and we will push through. In the mean time, I'm focusing on the holidays. While we didn't get our Christmas Miracle that we were so hoping for, I'm trying to look on the positive side of things, like a nice long vacation and spending time with my husband. This may very well be our last Christmas together alone (hey, I'm trying to be optimistic!) for a while, so enjoying each other's company and being grateful for the things we DO have is important to both of us. Plus, we have three very loving fur-babies who we enjoy spoiling immensely.

And I will admit that I am looking forward to 2011. I am hoping that while 2010 wasn't our year, that 2011 will be. That all this effort and wanting will not go to waste, and that somewhere down next year's path, we will get that beautiful pink line that we are dreaming about. I turn 30 in just a couple short weeks (eek!) and I know that age brings a level of difficulty to this whole conceiving a child thing; hopefully things will be on our side next year, and everything will fall into place.

That, my friends, is my Christmas Wish.

new blog design*

As you may have noticed, I have a pretty new blog design! I want to give a huge, huge shout out to Shay, over at Dumplin Design Studio who whipped this thing up for me. She was so fabulous during the whole process [and hey, I'm easy to please so hopefully I wasn't a difficult customer!] and really listened to what I wanted.

She is super duper affordable, and you must go check her out for all your blogging and business needs. Her style is everything that I love about blog design, & I will definitely be using her in the future.

Thank you, Shay, so much!

Christmas in NC

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I love sitting on the couch, bundled under blankets and furbabies, husband by my side with a fire going in the fireplace.

I love the tree, and the decorations, and always end up going through Christmas decoration withdrawls after I take everything down.

This year, Marshall & I opted to stay here in North Carolina for the holidays. It is the first time that we haven't travelled somewhere for Christmas since we have been married and honestly, I'm really looking forward to it. We haven't had a chance to set our own traditions, or do our own things. So this year will be a first for us.

The gifts are also something that are sort of new to us. We have always given each other one gift, but because we are not travelling anywhere this year, we are financially able to do a little more for one another. Which means the Christmas tree is looking very full underneath!

I don't really know what we are going to do on Christmas Eve, or Christmas Day for that matter. But I do know that it will be very relaxing, with lots of wine, Christmas music, and I'm pretty sure I will stay in my sweats all day. :)

How about you? What are your plans for this weekend?

Themed Birthday Party!

In about three weeks, I turn 30.

Yikes.

I'm not really prepared for that milestone, & I sort of am all at the same time. My 20's were so wonderously fabulous to me, that saying goodbye to them is like saying goodbye to an old friend. [Which, that is another post for another day]. But I feel like so many great things will happen in my 30's, that I am looking forward to the future.

But in the mean time, in order to ring in the new year and celebrate in style, I'm throwing myself a huge birthday bash. We are doing an Alice in Wonderland themed costume party, & to say that it is getting out of control is most definitely underestimating the situation.

My crafty side is taking over. I have found so many great things that I want to do for decoration purposes to really bring out the theme! I'm looking forward to my 10 day vacation from work to really get some of these things banged out.

For instance!

How adorable is that? [via The Long Thread] Since I [naturally] am going as the Queen of Hearts, this is a perfect garnish of sorts for around the house. Ideally, I would like to find some jumbo cards, but I'll take whatever I can find!


This heart garland is also a perfect addition to around the house. Originally meant for a Valentine's Day decoration, I still think it will work wonderfully for a Queen of Hearts garden!


And YUM. Cakes in a jar! I think this would be the perfect giveaway for the party, or at the very least, an easy way to serve dessert.

I have a whole board over on Pinterest [which is the greatest website ever if you are not a member!] dedicated to this party, and am looking for some more great decoration ideas. Alice in Wonderland has always been a favorite of mine, and I am looking forward to bringing some of the vintage style of the story to the party as well.

About Damn Time

Well, I finally got my HSG test scheduled today.

Can we get a big fat HOORAY for that one??!

Today is technically what I was expecting to be CD1, but no confirmation yet. Although, I have a good feeling that if it doesn't happen today, it will happen tomorrow. Because we are Army, the clinics are not open on the weekends to make appointments, which means I would have had to wait until Monday to schedule anything. Last time that happened [last month] there were no more appointments available in my time frame.

Waiting really, really sucks.

Fearing that AF would come tomorrow, I made the executive decision to call and schedule it. Luckily, my current appointment date is December 22nd. Which, if CD1 comes today, that would put me at CD13 on appointment date. If it doesn't happen today, then i have some wiggle room. Wiggle room is good.

I'm glad it worked out this way, but more than anything I am so damn ready to start this process. My nurse has told me that assuming everything comes back clear, they would get me started on chlomid for that next cycle. So, by mid-January, we will be full blown on the infertility band wagon.

I'm somewhat nervous about the HSG test. I've heard many different versions of what it feels like, and am sort of preparing for the worst. I'm sure it will be nothing [if anything just uncomfortable]. I'd be ok with that.

So here goes nothing!

Mac & Cheese -- Veggie Style

I've recently made the decision that I want to go back to my vegetarian ways. I was a vegetarian for a few years in high school & college, but missed chicken & turkey too much so went back. I never started eating red meat again [ick], but do love me some chicken from time to time.


However, with starting the fertility process, I wanted to really start eating WELL. I have [more than] a few pounds to lose, which I know will aid in the whole thing, but also just want to be healthier as a whole, regardless of what the baby situation decides to be.

So, I'm going to attempt the vegetarian route again for a while. I'm going to give myself 30 days to try it out, and see where I am after that. I've reached out to a couple of friends who are vegetarians, and was offered some really great sites with some fabulous recipes.

The first one I can't wait to try this weekend? Mac & Cheese .... without any cheese :) I'll let you know how it turns out, but from what I've heard [& read in the comments!] it's FABULOUS.

What You Need:

• 4 quarts water
• 1 tablespoon sea salt
• 8 ounces macaroni
• 4 slices of bread, torn into large pieces
• 2 tablespoons + 1/3 cup non-hydrogenated margarine
• 2 tablespoons shallots, peeled and chopped
• 1 cup red or yellow potatoes, peeled and chopped
• 1/4 cup carrots, peeled and chopped
• 1/3 cup onion, peeled and chopped
• 1 cup water
• 1/4 cup raw cashews
• 2 teaspoons sea salt
• 1/4 teaspoon garlic, minced
• 1/4 teaspoon Dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice, freshly squeezed
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne
• 1/4 teaspoon paprika

What You Do:

• In a large pot, bring the water and salt to a boil. Add macaroni and cook until al dente. In a colander, drain pasta and rinse with cold water. Set aside.
• In a food processor, make breadcrumbs by pulverizing the bread and 2 tablespoons margarine to a medium-fine texture. Set aside.
• Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a saucepan, add shallots, potatoes, carrots, onion, and water, and bring to a boil. Cover the pan and simmer for 15 minutes, or until vegetables are very soft.
• In a blender, process the cashews, salt, garlic, 1/3 cup margarine, mustard, lemon juice, black pepper, and cayenne. Add softened vegetables and cooking water to the blender and process until perfectly smooth.
• In a large bowl, toss the cooked pasta and blended cheese sauce until completely coated. Spread mixture into a 9 x 12 casserole dish, sprinkle with prepared breadcrumbs, and dust with paprika.
• Bake for 30 minutes or until the cheese sauce is bubbling and the top has turned golden brown.
  

New Design

I have enlisted the help of Shay Bocks, over at Dumplin Design Studio to help me redesign this here blog. I have some experience with HTML, and could more than likely figure out to do everything that I want to do on my own. But the fact of the matter is, is that I don't have the time.

Or the patience.

Plus, her designs are so simple & preeeetttty!

I cannot wait to see what she comes up with, and I am confident that she can help me get my message across the way I want to! I really am trying to take this little blog to the next level, and am hoping that a pretty design will help draw some people in.

Can't wait for it to be finished, and I will let y'all know when it debuts!

Life

My head has been spinning lately in trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. Things have gotten so bad at work, that going in every day has been completely unbearable. My photography business is doing so well, considering I've never done an ad or anything. Everything so far has been word of mouth. I'm curious as to how I would do if I actually started fishing for business.

There is a very large part of me that wants to take the plunge and just do it. However, right before Christmas, and a month before a big trip back to Seattle isn't really the time. I'm trying to last until March -- which is when I get my big fat bonus from work. I very well may just say adios after that, and pimp out my photo skills in the mean time until then.

In other news, I start my fertility stuff next week [hopefully]. Assuming that I am not pregnant [and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not] I go in for my first HSG test. I'm slightly nervous, just because I'm heard it's not exactly comfortable. I was supposed to have this test done prior to this last cycle, but thank to an eff up by my doctor, it didn't happen. Assuming that everything comes back nice & clear, my doctor has informed me that I should be able to start my first round of chlomid pretty much immediately. Hip hip hooray! God I hope I'm not the next Kate + 8.

I am, however, so happy to be starting this process. My husband & I have been trying for damn near three years to get pregnant. Having hope again feels good. I just hope it lasts.