Um, Time? Where Did You Go?

Hey there. It's the 20th already? Seriously? I don't believe you.

Where has this time gone?? I feel like this month has FLOWN by, and I'm not quite ready for the things that are about to come!

But part of me also is. I very much need a change, and I think that change is a-comin'. We got some potentially good news about the future of our location, and are just waiting on any sort of final decision to be made. Which, in my husbands industry could take a while. But it's a step in the right direction, and a step towards getting out of where we are at now.

I have also scheduled quite a few photography sessions with some new clients in the coming months. Something that makes me happy, because I very much enjoy that aspect of my life. I look forward to the day when I can do it full time. Again, hopefully something that will happen sooner rather than later due to necessity. I'm ok with that.

Maybe it's my happier outlook on life [thank you, prozac!] or just the possibility of a better future. But things seem to be looking up. Even if the days are FLYING by quicker than I can handle.

Figuring It Out

I've hit a wall.

Figuratively speaking, of course. I would never actually hit a wall. Not on purpose. But emotionally? Brittany -- meet wall.

I am tired of my life here. Of course, not of my life with my husband. I love him, and I am happy in that respect. But my job? Where we live? The lack of things to do? The petty bullshit that I have to put up with on a day to day basis? I'm over it. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I am emotionally DRAINED. And while the prozac that my doctor just prescribed to me may help, I don't think it will solve all of my problems.

I want out of here. Unfortunately for us, we are not in the position to just up and move. My husbands job does not allow it, and though we are trying our hardest to find a way, I don't see it happening anytime soon. And THAT is so frustrating. BEYOND WORDS frustrating. Not having a choice in where we want to live, or where we want to be is obnoxious. But unfortunately, the life that we live.

I'm trying, very hard, to reach out to other spouses in the area who go through what we are going through. To find good in where we are. I have a side photography business that I am going to start pimping out again, because I would LOVE to get enough work in the next couple of months to feel like I am accomplishing something. What would be even better would be if I could QUIT my current job and do that full time.

Ideally.

Giving up that guaranteed (& good!) salary is difficult.

So ... I NEED SOMETHING. Anything. To get me through. So the digging begins, and the attempt to BUCK UP & stop wallowing in my pity starts now. Much easier said than done, especially since the prozac takes a couple of weeks to kick in, but I'll get there. I HAVE to get there. This despair that I feel? It's not fun living. Something has got to give.

Sunset

I'm currently in Baltimore for a work trip, & I am LOVING Maryland. Not only have I had the BEST crabcakes known to man, but I am seriously enjoying being back in a real city. This was what was waiting for me when I got back to my hotel room this evening. Does it get any better than beauty like this?

Gravity

Sara Bareilles has a new album out that you must must must check out. She is one of my favorite newer artists, and her last album was one that stayed in constant rotation for quite some time. In fact, it is still one of my favorite "go to" albums. Her new album is equally fantastic, and worth the pennies you will spend to pick it up.

This is, perhaps, my most favorite song of hers. So beautiful with so many meanings. Enjoy.

Taking A Holistic Approach

I've been trying to make some changes to my diet and habits lately, in an attempt to move this whole "I want to have a baby" thing along. My husband & I have not had the best of luck, but I am determined to not see a fertility doctor.

You might say I was a little stubborn. Ok ... a lot stubborn.

I really want this to be as holistic as I can possibly make it. The hippie in me wants to do this naturally, free of drugs and tests and chemicals. I know that at some point, I will give in and go see a doctor if I don't get pregnant soon [it's been almost a year since we started trying again], but for now I'm pushing the holistic approach.

This means herbs. Lots of herbs. I'm also trying to cut out the things that I know to not be very condusive to trying to get preggers. The wine is hard, because I love my wine. The coffee is even harder. I'm from Seattle. Coffee runs through my veins. And I've been drinking it for so long, that the headaches when I do try to quit are a major bitch. But -- baby steps, no pun intended! I need to do everything that I can, change what can be changed & fix what needs to be fixed to feel good about making this work.

I'm also going to start doing some more reading on the topic. I've found some really great books about fertility and am looking forward to starting those. I need to get over this worry & fear that it will never happen again & concentrate on being HAPPY. I know the moment I let it all go and stop worrying will be the moment it happens for us again. Easier said then done on so many levels, but I will continue to stay positive!