Moving On

First off, big thanks to those who commented, emailed, tweeted, texted & called me in regards to my last post (some of you, I still owe messages back to. I am a jerk. I know this.) It's not very often, I have found, that moms in the blog world are HONEST about what goes on behind closed doors. But seeing as this is my space, and I really have no true POINT to the blog other than to just write to get my feelings out, that's exactly what I did. For all the positive responses, those who reached out to me, I truly appreciate it. Honestly.

Right now is just a tough time. That week, in particular, was especially bad. Just ... BAD. I have no doubt in my mind that my hormones are working overtime right now, and I'm a little more sensitive to what's going on around me. On top of that, I'm still trying to figure everything out, so with that comes lots of ebbs and flows in my life. I hate this, but it is what it is. Acceptance is something I am continually working on.

With that said, things are still a struggle, but we are working on it. Every week it's something different it seems, but there's not a lot that I can do, personally, to fix any of it. Lucas is still waking up at night, and as of last night, we are back on the CIO bandwagon. I'm also removing all pacifiers from the house. This was a long time coming, but something I wasn't quite ready to do yet. However, he is chewing through all of them, rendering them useless, and I refuse to buy more. So, today is the day. They are getting cut out. The wakeups aren't always bad. If they happen early in the night, between midnight and 3:00 a.m. I can usually get him back to sleep. But anything after that and we are up for the day. This makes for a very, very long day, for both of us, with a schedule completely out of whack. Part of the reason, I think, are the stupid pacifiers. So, we are done.

I warned the husband that it's going to be a rough few nights, and seeing as he actually has to go to work in the mornings with an alarm set for 5am, I feel awful about this. But I need my sanity, and my sleep. I can't deal with a toddler who won't sleep while also dealing with a newborn in two months (TWO MONTHS. EEK.) So this week is it. There will be tears on all ends, and LOTS of coffee consumed, but this has to happen. Sorry kid.

Along with the battle of the sleepless child, my OB told me I had sciatic nerve pain at my last appointment. Can we take a minute to talk about HOW TRULY AWFUL THIS IS? I had some pretty wicked pain when I was pregnant with Lucas, mostly centered in my pelvic region. I thought that was bad, but I would gladly trade this for that. Sciatic nerve pain and pretty much rendered me useless, and if any pressure is applied to my left side (shifting wrong, sitting wrong, WALKING) it feels like someone is stabbing my hip and lower back region with a knife. It's intense, and daily activities have become hard to do. If I could sit all day and relax? No problem. But chasing a toddler around, doing errands as simple as going to the grocery store, trying to walk from one room to the other, it's tough. My friends who have seen me since it flared up have seen me hobble around. I feel (and look) like a fool but man, the pain is intense. I'm currently waiting for my referrel to go through with my OB and the chiropractic clinic, and hopefully tomorrow will have an appointment all set up. I have heard this will help, but we will see. Nothing has yet. I'm not sure I can handle eight more weeks of this (and I don't even know if this is something that goes away immediately after giving birth, like the pelvic pain did).

All in all, it's been a rough time. Not all bad, and we are definitely having good days inbetween the tough ones. If I can get my kid to sleep through the night again, we will be good. That alone will be a huge weight off my shoulders & maybe the extra hour or two of sleep a night will keep me a little more sane. The scaitic nerve pain? Well, it's here. It sucks balls, and it's hard, but it is what it is. Just don't laugh at me when you see me hobbling through the grocery store or Target.

All the Feelings

The past couple of months, since I have started staying home, have been an adjustment. There's no doubt about that; I haven't exactly been quiet about it, either here or elsewhere on the interwebs. It's been tough, especially in the beginning when I was figuring out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life, how I was supposed to manage it and everything involved with it (kid, husband, household) while still figuring out what I needed to do for myself. 

For a while there, it got better. We got into a routine, although not nearly a perfect one. I felt like I had a good grasp on things, and was accepting the new direction my life was taking. It's still hard, some days, for a lot of reasons (friendship, finances, etc), but MOST DAYS I can accept that it is what it is. 

However, today (and in recent days) I am just feeling like a failure. I can't seem to keep up, with anything, and I have no excuse for it other than "I can't." My house is a mess. The laundry is piling up. I am feeling like a HUGE failure as a mother because most days, Lucas & I just SURVIVE and nothing else. I'm not teaching him anything. We rarely get out of the house. Cartoons are on far more often & longer than they should be during the day. While swim lessons last month seemed like a great idea at the time, they became more of a burden that neither Lucas or myself seemed to fully enjoy. I see other parents with children his age talking about "lesson plans" and activities, while I consider it a success if I can make it to naptime without a major meltdown. 

A big part of this, at least what I'm telling myself, is this pregnancy. Especially these past few days. At 31 weeks, I am getting closer & closer to being over it completely (who am I kidding? I'm already there.) The pain that I thought I would escape from the last pregnancy has shown up, but in a very different way, making it hard to get through the day without tears. This make doing ANYTHING ten times harder than it would normally be this far along. Everything is a struggle right now & while my husband does what he can to help, it's not quite enough to feel back on track. While we have very little to do to prep for this new baby, at the same time there feels like there is SO MUCH to do. With two months left, the clock is ticking & I don't know where to even begin. 

I am exhausted from Lucas's decision to avoid sleep. I am sore from this pregnancy. I am lonely because I feel like aside from my husband, I'm in this all by myself with no close friends in the vicinity like I used to have. I feel tested because my kid is in a hitting & throwing phase (always directed at me, nobody else, which hurts my heart), while still avoiding food for the most part & deciding that 4am is a normal time to wake up for the day. Or earlier. and oh good lord, THE TANTRUMS! I feel like a failure for not doing better by my time as a stay-at-home-mom/wife. And I am overwhelmed at the thought of managing all of this with a newborn on the way, with very few friends and zero family in the area to help out when needed.

I still have yet to figure out that balance of taking care of the things I need to do while also taking care of me. I wish I could stay up until midnight every night -- it would give me the time to focus on the things I WANT to focus on -- but I'm lucky these days if I make it past 9pm. That's barely enough time to spend kid free with my husband, time we have been sorely lacking on lately, let alone do anything for myself. I can't even shower without hearing my kid screaming MOMMY! MOMMY! among tears, outside our bedroom door. I'm jealous of the other moms who can manage to sew or knit or craft or draw or WHATEVER with multiple kids and jobs and newborns, because the fact of the matter is, I HAVE NO IDEA how they do it, without staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I just don't. I wish I did. 

I love my kid, I love the one on the way, and I love my husband. But all of this lately just makes me feel sad. Hopeless. Like this is the best its going to be. I know this isn't the case, at least I really hope it's not. I hope that this is all just a phase. That things will get better. But I feel completely alone in this phase of my life, and it's frustrating. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to do some things for me every once in a while. In all honesty, I would kill for 24 hours, alone, to sleep and draw and clean. But it is what it is -- this is something that is important to me. I just don't know how to fit it into my life right now, a frustrating battle. 

The Third Trimester

The third trimester.

Whoa.

Eleven weeks. You know, give or take. That's all I have left of this pregnancy.

There have been so many emotions over the course of this whole thing. We are, of course, absolutely joyed at the thought of another little addition to our family, but there have been so many thoughts that have run through my head, and even more so as we get closer to the end of this chapter. Every day, those complex emotions change & evolve as well. Tomorrow, I may feel completely different about all of it. Who knows how I will be feeling in two months as we are preparing for the arrival of baby boy.

One of the greatest decisions that I have made recently was staying home. Spending time with Lucas has been so important to me, and even on the days that we do nothing, it is such a joy and so special to have that time with him, especially now. As we move closer and closer to my due date, we are preparing more for what's to come. But at the same time, it's hard to imagine how there could possibly be room in our hearts and our lives for more!

I know that this is all normal and I most definitely know that once this little one arrives, there will be room. We will adjust and adapt, the same way we adjusted and adapted when Lucas came into our world. There will be more on that later -- it's not quite a post I'm ready to share yet.

It's crazy to me just how quick this pregnancy has gone by. Most of that is due to the giant shift in my life, between no longer working and staying home, mixed with the constant chasing of a very busy toddler. Lucas keeps me constantly on my toes and our days fly by before I even know what's going on half the time. Getting to this point is surreal, because I truly don't know where the time has gone. This pregnancy has also been so different than it was with Lucas. I know this is normal, that every pregnancy can be different, and I am beyond grateful it has been as easy as it has been. Things are starting to get rough, with a lot of pain in the pelvic & hip area, but not nearly as bad as it was last time. I'm also just NOW dealing with it, which is loads better than dealing with it the entire time. I've been able to workout semi-regularly (something I wasn't abe to do at all last pregnancy) and my sleep is better (although not nearly as perfect as I want it to be!)

Baby is doing well as far as we know! Lots of movement, which was always my favorite part. I love pushing baby and having baby push back. This one is hanging out on the right side a lot like Lucas did. Rarely does he make his way over to the left. It cracks me up. He's a mover & a shaker, though, at all hours of the day. I know if I wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break, baby will wake up with me. This does make things a little difficult in the going back to sleep department, but at the same time, I love having those moments -- even if it's at 3am.

There's also a lot of emotion as we near closer to the end. This is it for us, as far as kids go. It's the closing of a very large chapter of our lives. Again, there will be more on this later in another post but it's a lot of ups & downs as we move onto another chapter of our lives, one no longer filled with TTC or RE's, IUI's or medicated cycles. It's complicated. Good. But complicated (in my head at least).

For now, I'm enjoying my time with the kidlet as much as I can. We have some fun weekends planned as a family. The countdown is on. And we can't wait.

Fall!

I love the Fall. LOVE IT. It's my absolute favorite time of year (except for the couple of weeks surrounding Christmas) & living in the South for as long as we have, I look forward to it even more every year. The cool weather. The changing leaves. Pumpkins. Good coffee. Sweaters & boots! All the things I love wrapped up into one perfect season.

Living here in North Carolina it's HOT most of the year. I mean, just plain stupid hot to the point that being outdoors is pointless and just not FUN. I am an outdoor girl. Growing up in the Pacific Northwest, we practically lived outdoors year 'round! So being here is just cruel most of the time because there is nothing enjoyable about sweating your ass off in 100 degree weather with crazy high humidity.

So when that temperature drops, we make the best of it.

Lucas was obviously around last fall, but with him being so little, there wasn't much he could do. Sure, we would strap him in the stroller and go for walks, but this year, at 19 months, he's so much more active and interested in learning. It's been such a joy taking him places and letting him explore on his own, finding new things he enjoys and generally just being the crazy little boy that he is.

I really wish this weather would last all year. I love being able to open the windows early in the morning, curled up on the couch under a blanket, with a giant mug of coffee. I just -- love this weather. I love all that it entails and everything we get to do because of it. It just makes me ... happy.

We went to a pumpkin patch a couple of weeks ago. M had the day off, so we loaded into the car and headed out. It was a Friday afternoon, so not exactly a busy time to go, but that made things nice as well. It wasn't crowded, so we essentially had the whole place to ourselves. Lucas LOVED the animals, and we had fun walking from area to area. He had a blast, and we enjoyed watching him figure things out. No pumpkin was decided on but maybe we will pick one up this weekend. I love being able to do these types of activities with him, and I am glad that we are able to do things like this now, before baby arrives.

This coming weekend, Lucas & I head up to Charlottesville again for a couple of days to see my dear dear friend, Lauren. I cannot wait! I know she has lots planned for us & I am looking forward to the beautiful scenery this time of year (and all the amazing food!)

Food. Or Lack There Of.

One of the toughest things that we have yet to battle with this wonderful kiddo of ours is food.

Food. It seems so simple, really. Give baby food. Baby eats. Everybody is happy. 

Except any parent of a toddler knows (and is probably laughing at me having already gone through all of this) is that it doesn't really work out that way, does it? Not now. Not for a long time it seems. 

Lucas used to be a great eater. LOVED FOOD. I mean, loved it, as evident by the chunkiness this kid has always been. But somewhere along the line -- maybe three months ago or so? -- he started getting picky. First it was simple things, where saying ok, no big deal, let's add in something else was the solution. But we are successfully at the point where throwing his entire plate of food onto the floor without touching a bite is a regular thing. 

Our go tos? Mac & cheese (or just cheese in general). Chicken nuggets. Peanut butter & jelly sandwhiches. The main staples in any kids life -- he won't touch it. And vegetables?? Hahahahaha! No freaking way. I mean, it's probably been a month since he has willingly touched a vegetable and even then it was one lonely green bean. One. Lonely. Green bean. 

But what can you do? I would be lying if I said there weren't many meals where I ended up in tears out of sheer frustration. I know my kid is on the heavier side (28 lbs at his 18 month checkup), and there are lots of parents out there who DO worry about their kids weight (we are not one of them), but you also want to make sure your kid is eating, and eating well. What kind of example are we setting if all we feed him is things that aren't the most nutritionally satisfying? While at the same time, how many times can I put things in front of my kid that he SHOULD be eating, only to have him dump it all on the floor without touching it. It's a really hard balance of wanting to make sure he is getting fed while also being fed well. 

I seem to be failing at the feeding him WELL area right now.

We did bring it up at our last appointment with our pediatrician and yes, she reassured us that this was all normal (which, we knew after having talked to many people) and that it all balances out. We came to the conclusion that my kid is not a "meal" kid, i.e. he won't sit for three meals a day. Instead, we've decided he's a grazer, and once I accepted this, things have been much better. There is still some frustration even with this concept, and the amount of food that he takes in completely varies from day to day. He can have a nothing but a banana and some goldfish one day, and the next I can't seem to give him enough food. So we just keep offering, throughout the day, and when he gives us the sign for food, we feed him. Some days are better than others, and I wish he wasn't such a picky eater, but when it comes down to it, as long as he is putting food in his mouth of any kind, that's what I have to go with. 

It's frustrating, and we want to set good examples as parents to get him off to the right start, but he rarely will eat what we eat (no matter HOW HARD I hide the "good" stuff), so I have to give him what he will. Some days that's loads of fruit. Other days it's nothing but cheerios and goldfish. But it's food. That's what counts, right?