What a whirlwind in our household the past few weeks. I feel like I'm saying that a lot lately. But last week, my mother in law passed away from lung cancer. In a matter of three weeks we went from having a diagnosis to planning her memorial service. It was quick. So quick, that we didn't really know how to handle everything that was going on, when it was going on. The fact that my MIL lived 3,000 miles away across the country didn't help either, as my husband couldn't get there as soon as he needed to.
My father in law painted a rosy picture, one that we should have been more cautious about. The cancer, which we found out originated in her lungs [she smoked for about 40 years], was also in her liver, kidneys and lymph nodes. Everything ended up failing in the end & the choice to take her off her life support was left to my husband.
Not a choice that any child wants to have to make.
So for the past week, I was in Oregon with my husband dealing with the aftermath of her passing. He is still there until next week, finishing up some last details. This whole process has made me so proud of my husband and the man that he is. His family, specifically his father, left him to take care of everything himself. And while it was tough [and he hasn't really been given the chance to grieve yet] he stepped up to the plate and handled it well. I know this might be weird, but this experience, having to go through this together, has brought us closer together. We have had some really great talks about what we want out of life, changes that we need to make, preparations that need to be made, and an overall plan for what's to come.
But on top of it all, I just feel bad that my husband had to deal with it. My mother in law and I didn't have a great relationship, and no matter how many people told me she thought I was great, there were a lot of cruel things that she did to me that proved otherwise. But the sadness that I have for my husband is hard. I hate having to see him suffer and deal with such a loss. He is only 32. His mom was 58. It's a big blow and was completely unexpected.
But, we will get through it. Just like we get through everything else. Because that's what we do. I can't wait for M to get home next week.
October 13, 2011
October 1, 2011
When Life Throws You A Curve*
The past two weeks in our household have been pretty rough, as my husband and I have been dealing with some personal family issues. I've talked about it on twitter -- because, well, a girl needs an outlet -- but my husband will be flying back to Portland today to spend the next two and a half weeks with his family, until we can get some things figured out.
I realize that kind of sounds misleading, so I will say that we, as a husband & wife, are fine. But some health issues with extended family are causing us a lot of concern. If I need to fly out I will, but because of the pregnancy he doesn't really want me traveling and being under the extra stress. So here is where I stay until absolutely needed.
I will say that the outpouring of support from our friends and family has been amazing. My husband is very much an "I can carry the weight of the world alone on my shoulders" type of guy & I have been trying to tell him that we have an amazing support group both here and afar, & we need to utilize that & let people help us. I am forever grateful to the friends who have listened to me talk about what's going on, what I'm thinking & how I'm feeling, and it just proves to me that there are just some people in our lives that may not be blood, but are not any less family than the real thing. And for that, I will never be able to repay them or thank them properly.
So I will be solo for the next two and a half weeks unless I absolutely need to fly to Portland. I'm hoping that things work out and that it won't be needed anytime soon [*fingers crossed*] but it's nerve wracking to think otherwise. So in the meantime I'm hoping to just keep as busy as I can and get some things in order in the house. I have a SERIOUS pantry reorganization project that needs to happen, and I have some friends coming over next weekend to help move some furniture, so that I can get started on painting the nursery [yay!] & getting the old office/new guestroom in order & livable condition. I'm hoping to bust out some creativeness & if I come up with anything spectacular, I will be sure to share with you all! On top of that, I have some fall decoration plans that I am hoping to get accomplished.
All of this leads up to the well baby ultrasound the day after M returns. I'm excited to see the little guy/gal & no! We are not finding out the sex of the baby! Surprise! There are a lot of reasons for that, and we will get into that in another post! But for now I'm just prepping as much as I can! I'm looking forward to getting the nursery started & have some found some great prints for the walls that I may be ordering soon. I can't wait to document the process.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! It's sunny but low to mid 60's here this weekend, which is a NICE break from the 80 degree weather we are still having. Gotta love the South!
I realize that kind of sounds misleading, so I will say that we, as a husband & wife, are fine. But some health issues with extended family are causing us a lot of concern. If I need to fly out I will, but because of the pregnancy he doesn't really want me traveling and being under the extra stress. So here is where I stay until absolutely needed.
I will say that the outpouring of support from our friends and family has been amazing. My husband is very much an "I can carry the weight of the world alone on my shoulders" type of guy & I have been trying to tell him that we have an amazing support group both here and afar, & we need to utilize that & let people help us. I am forever grateful to the friends who have listened to me talk about what's going on, what I'm thinking & how I'm feeling, and it just proves to me that there are just some people in our lives that may not be blood, but are not any less family than the real thing. And for that, I will never be able to repay them or thank them properly.
So I will be solo for the next two and a half weeks unless I absolutely need to fly to Portland. I'm hoping that things work out and that it won't be needed anytime soon [*fingers crossed*] but it's nerve wracking to think otherwise. So in the meantime I'm hoping to just keep as busy as I can and get some things in order in the house. I have a SERIOUS pantry reorganization project that needs to happen, and I have some friends coming over next weekend to help move some furniture, so that I can get started on painting the nursery [yay!] & getting the old office/new guestroom in order & livable condition. I'm hoping to bust out some creativeness & if I come up with anything spectacular, I will be sure to share with you all! On top of that, I have some fall decoration plans that I am hoping to get accomplished.
All of this leads up to the well baby ultrasound the day after M returns. I'm excited to see the little guy/gal & no! We are not finding out the sex of the baby! Surprise! There are a lot of reasons for that, and we will get into that in another post! But for now I'm just prepping as much as I can! I'm looking forward to getting the nursery started & have some found some great prints for the walls that I may be ordering soon. I can't wait to document the process.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! It's sunny but low to mid 60's here this weekend, which is a NICE break from the 80 degree weather we are still having. Gotta love the South!
September 28, 2011
An Important New Initiative*
RESOLVE launched a new initiative this week, and I thought I would pass along the information [thank you, From IF to When for this info!]:
They have a created a petition for the infertility community to add their names to that will be sent to Sec. Sebelius at the Department of Health and Human Services, along with a letter urging the Secretary to consider infertility treatment an essential health benefit as the discussion on the new healthcare reform policies happen this fall. Their goal is 7,300 signatures: 1 signature to represent every 1,000 people living with infertility.
I urge you to click HERE to read and sign the petition, whether you battle with infertility, know somebody who does or just want to help out.
RESOLVE will be creating a landing page with more FAQs this week. I will post it to my blog as soon as I have more information.
I was very lucky that with my husband being in the military, all of our treatment was covered financially. The only thing we had to pay for was the sperm wash. Our costs would have increased had we had to go the IVF route, but we still would not have paid was most of you do. I know many women who have to save for years for this opportunity, which is such a damn shame. Let's show our policy makers that we are serious about having infertility treatment recognized as an essential health benefit.
They have a created a petition for the infertility community to add their names to that will be sent to Sec. Sebelius at the Department of Health and Human Services, along with a letter urging the Secretary to consider infertility treatment an essential health benefit as the discussion on the new healthcare reform policies happen this fall. Their goal is 7,300 signatures: 1 signature to represent every 1,000 people living with infertility.
I urge you to click HERE to read and sign the petition, whether you battle with infertility, know somebody who does or just want to help out.
RESOLVE will be creating a landing page with more FAQs this week. I will post it to my blog as soon as I have more information.
I was very lucky that with my husband being in the military, all of our treatment was covered financially. The only thing we had to pay for was the sperm wash. Our costs would have increased had we had to go the IVF route, but we still would not have paid was most of you do. I know many women who have to save for years for this opportunity, which is such a damn shame. Let's show our policy makers that we are serious about having infertility treatment recognized as an essential health benefit.
September 27, 2011
Why Facebook & Pregnancy Do Not Mix*
Being pregnant is a funny thing. Besides all the aches and pains, there is a whole other side to it that involves everybody and their mother giving unwanted advice, their two cents, telling you exactly what kind of parent you'll be, how you should eat, etc. It's like as soon as I have this little person gestating inside of me, I am no longer an individual. I'm a breeder and I'm apparently supposed to lose all form of identity.
Wrong, folks.
Last week, a co-worker brought in cupcakes on Friday morning to celebrate the first day of fall. They were delicious. And because I am the queen of random thoughts, I shared with all of my friends that yes, it was 8am, and I was having a cupcake. Most of the responses were polite, friendly, even supportive ["For you? Absolutely! YOU EAT THAT CUPCAKE, GIRL!" or you know, something like that]. But one individual decided that I was "eating for two" and felt necessary to warn me that if I continued to "eat for two" that I would gain a bunch of weight, have a horrible time losing it just like she did and that I should probably be more careful about what I was ingesting into my body because, you know, I don't want to get fat or anything.
For the record, I have been doing pretty well in my eating endeavors thus far. Minus that week where ALL I WANTED was mexican food [I will admit, four times in one week is a little excessive] I've been sticking to healthy options. I drink a ton of water. I make sure to get my calcium/protein/veggie intake for the day. I take my prenatals. I work out when I can [but because of my hip/pelvic pain it's somewhat unbearable most days]. So sue me for having a damn cupcake.
And you know what? I ACTUALLY HAD TWO. And it was totally worth the splurge when I needed that 3pm pick me up to get me through the rest of the work day. Granted, by reading this woman's posts its painfully obvious that she has body image issues. But it didn't stop me from getting slightly upset in the beginning that somebody who barely knows me, let alone knows what I eat on a day to day basis, would interject on this subject and let me know that "eating for two" is not a good thing. When it had nothing to do with pregnancy to begin with. I read the books. I know that for now it's only an extra 300 calories a day that's needed. I'm a smart gal, y'all.
But it goes so far beyond that. Everything I do suddenly revolves around the kid that's not even here yet. Every single thing I say somehow gets turned into baby. I could write that the sky is purple and somehow SOMEBODY would find a way to bring it back around to baby. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Last week I decided to pick up knitting again and mentioned so because I have a lot of friends who knit, and it was "where are the baby bump photos?" Um, did I mention my pregnancy or the baby anywhere? I don't think so. And yes ... I am knitting for me. Not for the kid.
I was also introduced to this amazingly hilarious website called STFU, Parents! that is beyond funny. As an infertile, and really as just a human being, there was nothing more annoying than those parents who posted 20 times a day about their kids. I even had one friend go so far once to post a photo of their kid, SITTING ON THE TOILET, doing his "first big boy poop." Seriously? Some things need to be kept a secret. Or shared only in person. And on more than one occasion, these individuals got blocked because if I wanted to hear the ins & outs of every single thing your child did, I would be friends with THEM on facebook. And when I vowed publicly that I refused to be one of those parents, I was told "don't worry, you'll be just like that. Because poop is funny."
Ok. Maybe poop is a little funny sometimes. When I talked to my best friend last week and she told me how her one month old had his first big blow out and her husband almost threw up because he was so grossed out, it was funny. But what was funny was that as a first time parent, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. But she kept it to herself and only shared with a few. And didn't post it all over facebook. Because honestly, who wants to read that?
The simple point to all of this is that I am a person, too. Just because I am now carrying a child and expanding our family does not mean that MY life ends. I get that baby's are cute and squishy and adorable, but not everybody loves them. Hell, I don't even like other people's kids that much. In fact, most times they annoy me, with a few exceptions to those that are currently in my life. And just because I am stepping into Mommy-Land, it does not take away from the things that I still enjoy. I have been very careful about the pregnancy related stuff I post on facebook, mostly out of respect for my friends still battling infertility, but also because it does not completely define me. Not in my eyes. I'm not going to lie ... I'm sure there will be plenty of photos and "look what Baby W did today" posts. But I honestly do not want to be that person that annoys everybody else.
I will love this child with every ounce of being that I have. It doesn't mean that I will give up who I am as an individual and forget that I had a life and a personality before a baby came along. And if I have to fight to remind people of that, then I will.
Wrong, folks.
Last week, a co-worker brought in cupcakes on Friday morning to celebrate the first day of fall. They were delicious. And because I am the queen of random thoughts, I shared with all of my friends that yes, it was 8am, and I was having a cupcake. Most of the responses were polite, friendly, even supportive ["For you? Absolutely! YOU EAT THAT CUPCAKE, GIRL!" or you know, something like that]. But one individual decided that I was "eating for two" and felt necessary to warn me that if I continued to "eat for two" that I would gain a bunch of weight, have a horrible time losing it just like she did and that I should probably be more careful about what I was ingesting into my body because, you know, I don't want to get fat or anything.
For the record, I have been doing pretty well in my eating endeavors thus far. Minus that week where ALL I WANTED was mexican food [I will admit, four times in one week is a little excessive] I've been sticking to healthy options. I drink a ton of water. I make sure to get my calcium/protein/veggie intake for the day. I take my prenatals. I work out when I can [but because of my hip/pelvic pain it's somewhat unbearable most days]. So sue me for having a damn cupcake.
And you know what? I ACTUALLY HAD TWO. And it was totally worth the splurge when I needed that 3pm pick me up to get me through the rest of the work day. Granted, by reading this woman's posts its painfully obvious that she has body image issues. But it didn't stop me from getting slightly upset in the beginning that somebody who barely knows me, let alone knows what I eat on a day to day basis, would interject on this subject and let me know that "eating for two" is not a good thing. When it had nothing to do with pregnancy to begin with. I read the books. I know that for now it's only an extra 300 calories a day that's needed. I'm a smart gal, y'all.
But it goes so far beyond that. Everything I do suddenly revolves around the kid that's not even here yet. Every single thing I say somehow gets turned into baby. I could write that the sky is purple and somehow SOMEBODY would find a way to bring it back around to baby. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Last week I decided to pick up knitting again and mentioned so because I have a lot of friends who knit, and it was "where are the baby bump photos?" Um, did I mention my pregnancy or the baby anywhere? I don't think so. And yes ... I am knitting for me. Not for the kid.
I was also introduced to this amazingly hilarious website called STFU, Parents! that is beyond funny. As an infertile, and really as just a human being, there was nothing more annoying than those parents who posted 20 times a day about their kids. I even had one friend go so far once to post a photo of their kid, SITTING ON THE TOILET, doing his "first big boy poop." Seriously? Some things need to be kept a secret. Or shared only in person. And on more than one occasion, these individuals got blocked because if I wanted to hear the ins & outs of every single thing your child did, I would be friends with THEM on facebook. And when I vowed publicly that I refused to be one of those parents, I was told "don't worry, you'll be just like that. Because poop is funny."
Ok. Maybe poop is a little funny sometimes. When I talked to my best friend last week and she told me how her one month old had his first big blow out and her husband almost threw up because he was so grossed out, it was funny. But what was funny was that as a first time parent, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. But she kept it to herself and only shared with a few. And didn't post it all over facebook. Because honestly, who wants to read that?
The simple point to all of this is that I am a person, too. Just because I am now carrying a child and expanding our family does not mean that MY life ends. I get that baby's are cute and squishy and adorable, but not everybody loves them. Hell, I don't even like other people's kids that much. In fact, most times they annoy me, with a few exceptions to those that are currently in my life. And just because I am stepping into Mommy-Land, it does not take away from the things that I still enjoy. I have been very careful about the pregnancy related stuff I post on facebook, mostly out of respect for my friends still battling infertility, but also because it does not completely define me. Not in my eyes. I'm not going to lie ... I'm sure there will be plenty of photos and "look what Baby W did today" posts. But I honestly do not want to be that person that annoys everybody else.
I will love this child with every ounce of being that I have. It doesn't mean that I will give up who I am as an individual and forget that I had a life and a personality before a baby came along. And if I have to fight to remind people of that, then I will.
September 26, 2011
Sixteen Weeks*
I know I promised a bump shot this week, but I didn't get to it. And I'm not feeling it quite yet either. Maybe next week. I swear.
The truth of the matter is this week has been rough. I know that I'm supposed to say that pregnancy is joyous & happy & flowers & rainbows all the time. And for the most part, it is. We are still beyond excited about this baby and are looking forward to March [although it seems to be coming quicker than we are prepared for!]. But the truth is, I am jealous of these women who have said that they LOVED pregnancy, & it was so wonderful for them the entire time.
Because it sure as hell hasn't been like that for me.
I know that a lot of my readers are from the Infertility community and let me stress again that after three and a half years of trying for Baby W, it's a huge blessing that we are at this point. And I don't blame you if you get pissed and leave for me complaining. I was/am totally one of those women who would say "Bitch, be grateful you have morning sickness because I would kill to be puking my brains out!" But this shit is hard. I have been miserable since day one. I suffered from some pretty serious nausea during the first trimester, and the pelvic & hip pain that I currently have is borderline unbearable. I am in pain every time I take a step, or move wrong, or lift my leg the wrong way to do something. My midwife says that this is normal, unfortunately, so I am trusting her that there is nothing seriously wrong. The hip pain I can get through. But I feel like I've been punched in my vagina and the surrounding area. Then throw in the back pain, heartburn and constipation, and well ... I'm just a regular ball of fun.
I am hoping ... PRAYING ... that it gets better in the coming weeks. I think that once I feel movement, I'll be more bearable when it comes to all of this. But nobody talks about the rough parts of being pregnant which makes me feel very alone in what my body is going through. I'm tired of being miserable. And I really hope it gets better quick.
I have a super cute idea for my weekly shots, but it's a matter of getting dressed enough to feel cute! I'll work on that! Here are my fun facts for the week:
How Far Along? 16 weeks, 3 days.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Still down those 10 pounds. I'm starting to hope that it stays this way for a few more weeks! I have enough weight to lose when I'm NOT pregnant, that hopefully my overall gain won't be too much.
Maternity Clothes? I love maternity pants. So much. I can now see why so may women swear by them even post-baby.
Stretch Marks? No new ones!
Sleep: I slept a little heavier this week, mostly due to being plain exhausted by the end of the day. I don't think I stayed up past 9:30 one night this week.
Best Moment of the Week? Meeting my new midwife who is AMAZING. I am so glad that I was finally able to get away from my crappy hospital and be with a clinic who truly cares about their patients. She is fabulous.
Miss Anything? Cuddling with my husband at night. I have so many damn pillows to help keep me comfortable, it's like Fort Knox in the bed!
Movement: Nothing yet :(
Food Cravings: None this week!
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? I've had a couple incidents where I've gotten queasy. But they passed quick.
Have You Started to Show Yet? Maybe?
Gender Prediction: Still boy. Although maybe leaning towards girl.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On.
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Pretty happy, although being in pain makes me slightly moody.
Looking Forward To: Feeling movement!
The truth of the matter is this week has been rough. I know that I'm supposed to say that pregnancy is joyous & happy & flowers & rainbows all the time. And for the most part, it is. We are still beyond excited about this baby and are looking forward to March [although it seems to be coming quicker than we are prepared for!]. But the truth is, I am jealous of these women who have said that they LOVED pregnancy, & it was so wonderful for them the entire time.
Because it sure as hell hasn't been like that for me.
I know that a lot of my readers are from the Infertility community and let me stress again that after three and a half years of trying for Baby W, it's a huge blessing that we are at this point. And I don't blame you if you get pissed and leave for me complaining. I was/am totally one of those women who would say "Bitch, be grateful you have morning sickness because I would kill to be puking my brains out!" But this shit is hard. I have been miserable since day one. I suffered from some pretty serious nausea during the first trimester, and the pelvic & hip pain that I currently have is borderline unbearable. I am in pain every time I take a step, or move wrong, or lift my leg the wrong way to do something. My midwife says that this is normal, unfortunately, so I am trusting her that there is nothing seriously wrong. The hip pain I can get through. But I feel like I've been punched in my vagina and the surrounding area. Then throw in the back pain, heartburn and constipation, and well ... I'm just a regular ball of fun.
I am hoping ... PRAYING ... that it gets better in the coming weeks. I think that once I feel movement, I'll be more bearable when it comes to all of this. But nobody talks about the rough parts of being pregnant which makes me feel very alone in what my body is going through. I'm tired of being miserable. And I really hope it gets better quick.
I have a super cute idea for my weekly shots, but it's a matter of getting dressed enough to feel cute! I'll work on that! Here are my fun facts for the week:
How Far Along? 16 weeks, 3 days.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Still down those 10 pounds. I'm starting to hope that it stays this way for a few more weeks! I have enough weight to lose when I'm NOT pregnant, that hopefully my overall gain won't be too much.
Maternity Clothes? I love maternity pants. So much. I can now see why so may women swear by them even post-baby.
Stretch Marks? No new ones!
Sleep: I slept a little heavier this week, mostly due to being plain exhausted by the end of the day. I don't think I stayed up past 9:30 one night this week.
Best Moment of the Week? Meeting my new midwife who is AMAZING. I am so glad that I was finally able to get away from my crappy hospital and be with a clinic who truly cares about their patients. She is fabulous.
Miss Anything? Cuddling with my husband at night. I have so many damn pillows to help keep me comfortable, it's like Fort Knox in the bed!
Movement: Nothing yet :(
Food Cravings: None this week!
Anything Making You Queasy or Sick? I've had a couple incidents where I've gotten queasy. But they passed quick.
Have You Started to Show Yet? Maybe?
Gender Prediction: Still boy. Although maybe leaning towards girl.
Labor Signs: No.
Belly Button In or Out: In
Wedding Rings On or Off: On.
Happy or Moody Most of the Time? Pretty happy, although being in pain makes me slightly moody.
Looking Forward To: Feeling movement!
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