Nine Months*

Little man turned nine months old while we were in Seattle visiting family. Blogging wasn't something that was going to happen while we were out there, so I'm a little late on this (as always) but want to get these updates down regardless!

Lucas continues to be an amazing part of our lives. I am constantly amazed at how much he learns, grows, changes & challenges us on a daily basis. It's amazing to me how much he loves life, even at such an early age. He is so curious and constantly wants to be a part of whatever happens to be going on at that very moment. He is quick to peer over my shoulder, around the couch, through a doorway -- whatever he can do to see what he needs to see.

He is also continues to grow in crazy ways. Between Thanksgiving and his nine month birthday, he got two more teeth (with two more that followed shortly after). He weighs in at almost 25lbs, and while on the shorter end of things, is almost 28"

We are reaching that point where his first birthday is inching closer and closer. No longer do I have this tiny little newborn who needs me for every little thing. My kid is quite the opposite it feels like these days. He pushes away more than he snuggles. He is doing more and more on his own (although still little things in the grand scheme of it all) and every day, he looks more like a little BOY, then the baby I want him to stay. But even with that, my heart continues to swell at just how truly lucky we are to have a kid who is as amazing and wonderful as he is.

He truly is the happiest little kid out there.

We have entered the separation anxiety phase, though. There were many a time that I could walk out of  a room and he wouldn't notice. Not a near epic meltdown ensues almost every time. I would be lying if it didn't kind of make me feel good that he wants me around all the time, because I know that even though he is doing things on his own more and more, there is some peace in knowing that I can keep him calm. I know there will be days in the not so distant future where I will be an embarrassment, or an annoyance, or just a pain in the ass to him. So I am soaking in every aspect of this in-between phase -- not needing me for everything, but still needing me enough for others. (But really ... sometimes I just want to go to the bathroom alone!)

After what I feel like was MONTHS of fighting off one cold or another, he is finally on the mend and his eating habits are up again. This kid can MOW DOWN. No wonder he's the fluffy 25 lbs that he is! He is in no way, shape or form a picky eater as well. Food in front of his face? He will eat it. We are getting on a good routine of 4-5 8oz bottles a day. Typically one at breakfast, one at lunch, one at dinner and one before bed. Always one during the night.

Yes. My kid is 9 months old and still not sleeping through the night. As frustrating as this can be sometimes, part of me still enjoys it. I hate getting up at 2am. But I cherish every single snuggle that I get in those wee hours. They are important to me and again, something that I know will not last forever. They make me feel closer to him in ways that are hard to explain. Breastfeeding didn't work for us, so these are the only moments I have. I want to keep them as long as I can & I truly try to take advantage of every moment that he lets me hold him.

Family Photo*

Although I am making an effort do have more family photos taken of the three of us while we are out & about, the truth is that it doesn't happen very often.

So when we were in Seattle over the holidays, I commissioned one of my best friends, who owns Kayla J Photography, to take some photos for us one morning.

And I am so glad she did.

I have more, & will share them when I finish editing, but I loved this one so wanted to pass it along. Despite hating myself these days, I think these turned out really well. I love my family!

Happy New Year!

Holy bejeebus, people. It's been a MONTH since I have written anything. It's not for lack of trying, that's for sure. Life just sort of happened. I hope you understand.

In all honesty, I needed to take some time to figure out really what I want out of my life. I mentioned last month that I'm sort of struggling with keeping it all together. Life has been a little bit of a cluster these past few months & I want to make some sort of sense of my life again. Figure out what is next & where I want to go [metaphorically speaking. Physically, I'm staying right here!]

With us being in the new year, I took December to sort of come up wtih a plan. Find out what was most important to me & what I wanted to do about it. What was making me the most unhappy & what could I do to change that? Once I figured that out, I would go from there.

My weight is something that I have always struggled with. I'm not a small girl -- never have been. Even when I was playing soccer twice a day, seven days a week, lifting weights five days a week & in the best shape of my life, I was never smaller than a size 10. And that's ok. I'm happy at that weight range.

But, I am far from that right now. I'm not a naturally small person. SO ... my goal in 2013 is to get back to that. To be HAPPY with how I look & how I feel. I know it's cliche to buy a gym membership at the beginning of the year, but it's exactly what I did & yesterday I went in for my first workout of the year.

And let me tell you, it felt good. I haven't pushed myself that hard in a long time. I LOVED IT. Which means I know I can do this and keep up with it. It's taking some coordination on the part of myself, my husband and the babysitter; the only opportunity I have to workout is immediately after work, which means Lucas either needs to stay a little later or M needs to pick him up for me. Both have said that this is fine.

There's a level of suck to this, in that it means less time with my family. Something that has bothered me in the past [not spending enough time with them] BUT, I know that my health is important, too. I have 80 pounds to lose. And being healthy and happy for my kid and for my husband is just as important as the time I spend with them.

So, for this year, I'm putting ME first. I'm counting calories. I'm working out. I'm striving to be happy & healthy. I know it will take me all year to get to where I want to be, and I know it's more about how I feel than the number on the scale. But in the end it will be worth it! I want to write about my journey here & will do so when I can. I hope it will keep me accountable.

What are your goals for 2013?

Navigating*

I'm feeling a little lost these days.

Like I don't quite have all my shit together.

In the past, I have prided myself on being organized, although slightly messy at times. Right now I am just a total disaster, inside and out. My house is a fucking mess. Laundry happens when I run out of clean underwear & showers are few & far between. Lucas being on the move, as awesome as it is, creates a whole new set of obstacles. I can't just plop him down somewhere while I get something done. The only reason the living room is in decent shape is because that's where he spends all his time while we are home, so it HAS to be baby friendly. But dear god ... if you come over, do NOT open the doors.

It will not be pretty. You might actually get lost.

I know that this is all a good sign of me being a good mom (at least I hope it is) that my priorities are with Lucas & not focused on other things, but being a good mom & a good wife & a good employee is hard. I really don't know where the balance is, or how to even TRY to find it. Something is always suffering. And that, my friends, is frustrating. My husbands job does not help. He is out the door at 5am every morning, so EVERY MORNING I am on my own trying to get up, get showered, get ready for work, get the baby ready for the day and make it to my job in one piece. Every day something gets forgotten, or time just runs out. And lord help me if Lucas decides that 5:30 is the time that he wants to be up for the day. Showers? Apparently a thing of the past.

Then there is baby number two. Do we? Don't we? I don't feel I am at all ready to go down that road again. I know that we had things pretty easy the last time around as far as our infertility treatments were concerned, with our first IUI being successful, but there was a lot of heartbreak to get to that point. There are so many "what if's" that come into play on top of that. Yes, I know that it may not come to that the second time around. That I may get pregnant on my own. But then I would sort of feel like a traitor to a community that is so awesome & supportive. But what if it does come to that again? Emotionally, I am not sure I can handle the ins & outs of trying & not succeeding every month. Going in for another IUI is an option for us right away (without the disappointing baby dance every month) but do we want to go THAT route without trying on our own first?

Can we even handle a second child? Right now, M gets home from work around 7pm every night. Lucas goes down at 7:30. So from the time that kid wakes up in the mornings until, basically, he goes to bed at night, I am solo. The Army has made me a hypothetical single mother (more or less). Except I'm a "single mom" who works full time and has to find that balancing act that I don't really seem to be finding. M is completely helpful when he is home, and I know that the situation can ALWAYS be worse. But on top of that, M has gotten pretty serious about submitting his Warrant Officer packet, which means that should be be accepted (finally) in the first half of next year, then we are facing 11 months of him being gone. Financially, it  makes more sense for me to stay put, keep working & get the house ready for a possible PCS. If he DOESN'T get accepted, then we are facing a deployment the second half of next year.

Can I do that pregnant? Or with a second child? While working full time? I don't know.

As it stands, I really don't know what I want. I know that M truly wants a second child and I know that if I said no, one is enough, he would go with it because he loves me. I know that we would be happy as a one child household. Lucas is AMAZING and truly the light of our lives. That kid brings both of us so much joy & happiness. But I also can't see myself taking any time away from him right now. I am not sure if I am ready for that yet. And then again, I'll be 32 in just a matter of a few weeks (eeek.) so time is kind of ticking.

I just don't know. Right now, nothing is pointing me one direction or another. I don't know what I want, and I hate keeping M waiting on me to figure it out.

All I know is that right now, my life is a huge clusterfuck of clusterfuckery. And I have NO CLUE which direction to turn. Not having my shit together? Beyond frustrating.

Eight Months & Thanksgiving*

Exactly on Thanksgiving, my baby turned eight months old.

It was a great day, spent with great friends. I know I'm a little late on this post, but that really seems to be the story of my life this day. Lucas came down with a wicked stomach virus that sort of started Thanksgiving night, and pretty much spawned from there. We've been fighting it ever since and it looks like yesterday was the first truly successful day of no sickness.

I am seriously knocking on wood here, because I don't want to jinx that. At all.

Month seven was pretty awesome. The kid is moving more and more, and I am confident that by the time he is nine months old, he will be walking. WALKING. All he wants to do is move, and crawl, and pull himself up. I'm pretty sure that my little chunky baby is growing up & thinning out as a result of all of his movement. I'm missing his bit fat belly already!

We also said hello to a couple more teeth, which puts us at five now. FIVE. I am constantly amazed at how advanced this kid seems to be. Maybe it's just a mom thing, thinking that my kiddo is pretty much the greatest thing ever (isn't he??!) but I do feel like this kid is growing & learning at such a crazy rate. Every day he does something new that blows me away. He truly is impressive.

As I mentioned, we closed out the month & began the new on on Thanksgiving day. I am so grateful to have an amazing friend in Lauren & we had a blast spending the day in their home. The food was amazing & the company was even better. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Marshall & I really  are lucky to have such wonderful people in our lives & I am in total denial that in just a few months they will be leaving us for bigger & better things.

Shhh. I don't want to talk about it.

The holidays are upon us and I am simply trying to keep up. We are leaving for Seattle in a couple of weeks & I cannot wait to get back to the West Coast & spend some quality time with family.

Happy Holidays!

*photos all courtesy of Lauren over at Not Just An Army Wife. I jacked them without asking. Sorry friend!!!