All the Feelings

The past couple of months, since I have started staying home, have been an adjustment. There's no doubt about that; I haven't exactly been quiet about it, either here or elsewhere on the interwebs. It's been tough, especially in the beginning when I was figuring out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life, how I was supposed to manage it and everything involved with it (kid, husband, household) while still figuring out what I needed to do for myself. 

For a while there, it got better. We got into a routine, although not nearly a perfect one. I felt like I had a good grasp on things, and was accepting the new direction my life was taking. It's still hard, some days, for a lot of reasons (friendship, finances, etc), but MOST DAYS I can accept that it is what it is. 

However, today (and in recent days) I am just feeling like a failure. I can't seem to keep up, with anything, and I have no excuse for it other than "I can't." My house is a mess. The laundry is piling up. I am feeling like a HUGE failure as a mother because most days, Lucas & I just SURVIVE and nothing else. I'm not teaching him anything. We rarely get out of the house. Cartoons are on far more often & longer than they should be during the day. While swim lessons last month seemed like a great idea at the time, they became more of a burden that neither Lucas or myself seemed to fully enjoy. I see other parents with children his age talking about "lesson plans" and activities, while I consider it a success if I can make it to naptime without a major meltdown. 

A big part of this, at least what I'm telling myself, is this pregnancy. Especially these past few days. At 31 weeks, I am getting closer & closer to being over it completely (who am I kidding? I'm already there.) The pain that I thought I would escape from the last pregnancy has shown up, but in a very different way, making it hard to get through the day without tears. This make doing ANYTHING ten times harder than it would normally be this far along. Everything is a struggle right now & while my husband does what he can to help, it's not quite enough to feel back on track. While we have very little to do to prep for this new baby, at the same time there feels like there is SO MUCH to do. With two months left, the clock is ticking & I don't know where to even begin. 

I am exhausted from Lucas's decision to avoid sleep. I am sore from this pregnancy. I am lonely because I feel like aside from my husband, I'm in this all by myself with no close friends in the vicinity like I used to have. I feel tested because my kid is in a hitting & throwing phase (always directed at me, nobody else, which hurts my heart), while still avoiding food for the most part & deciding that 4am is a normal time to wake up for the day. Or earlier. and oh good lord, THE TANTRUMS! I feel like a failure for not doing better by my time as a stay-at-home-mom/wife. And I am overwhelmed at the thought of managing all of this with a newborn on the way, with very few friends and zero family in the area to help out when needed.

I still have yet to figure out that balance of taking care of the things I need to do while also taking care of me. I wish I could stay up until midnight every night -- it would give me the time to focus on the things I WANT to focus on -- but I'm lucky these days if I make it past 9pm. That's barely enough time to spend kid free with my husband, time we have been sorely lacking on lately, let alone do anything for myself. I can't even shower without hearing my kid screaming MOMMY! MOMMY! among tears, outside our bedroom door. I'm jealous of the other moms who can manage to sew or knit or craft or draw or WHATEVER with multiple kids and jobs and newborns, because the fact of the matter is, I HAVE NO IDEA how they do it, without staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I just don't. I wish I did. 

I love my kid, I love the one on the way, and I love my husband. But all of this lately just makes me feel sad. Hopeless. Like this is the best its going to be. I know this isn't the case, at least I really hope it's not. I hope that this is all just a phase. That things will get better. But I feel completely alone in this phase of my life, and it's frustrating. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to do some things for me every once in a while. In all honesty, I would kill for 24 hours, alone, to sleep and draw and clean. But it is what it is -- this is something that is important to me. I just don't know how to fit it into my life right now, a frustrating battle.