Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving & I just want to say, very quickly, Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading this. I have been given so much in my life, and I am always, always thankful for what I have. I have a tendency to dwell on the negative, but the fact of the matter is, I have a pretty awesome life. The level of gratitude I have cannot be expressed in words.

Enjoy the day. Be with your loved ones if you can. Have a fantastic day. 

Love to you all.

The Closing of Chapters

With the impending arrival of this second little bean of ours, there has been a lot on my mind about what comes next for me & my husband. Closing one chapter of our lives and opening a giant new one sits at the forefront, with a lot of other chapters mixed in.This one in particular, our TTC journey, comes with a lot of emotion. I've written and re-written this post probably ten times over the past month or so, never really feeling like I can find the right words to express the emotion that I feel. I most likely won't ever fully be able to convey what's in my heart, but with some encouragement from others, I'm putting this out there anyways, the best that I can.

We decided long ago that this it for us. No more trying for future babies.  In fact, this was sort of a decision that we made prior to even OFFICIALLY trying for baby number two. We had always decided that once Lucas hit one year, we would discuss the possibility of a second. At the time, we were on orders to move to Georgia by the summer, and with M's training schedule prior to our move, we had an extremely limited number of chances IF we chose to go down the IUI route again with our current RE. Two, MAYBE three. So we decided to take the plunge with the mindset that if it worked, it worked, and if didn't, well, that was it for us. We didn't want to continue treatment after we moved, and we had been blessed with such an amazing kid with Lucas. If fate worked out differently in the future, so be it, but after those couple of tries, we wouldn't push it any further. 

Cue IUI 2.0 working the first time. You all know how grateful I am for that, and you can easily skim back through my blog to read about it. But here we are -- 34 weeks pregnant with baby number two and growing closer and closer to the official end of THIS particular chapter.  I'm not going to lie. It's weird. No more stressing over whether or not it will happen on it's own, or if calling the RE is the next logical step. No more mass bulk purchases of pregnancy tests or tears because things aren't going the way I want them to. There is a lot of emotion in these last six weeks, so much that I can't convey it all in one post. But we are still here. 

Finished, after six years. But at peace.

I'm not naive enough to think that something couldn't happen in the next six weeks, or post-delivery, or even five or ten years down the road. I've seen enough from friends, and from the infertility community, to know that it's not always bliss and happiness. Bad things happen to really, really good people. Amazing people. People who deserve nothing but the best but end up in the worst possible situations. I hope to god that we are not those people, but I know it happens. Naive, I am most definitely not.

But with the end of this chapter comes, for me, a big sigh of relief, so to speak. Part of the "weird" in my emotion is that it's not necessarily all bad. It took a lot to get here, and part of me is sort of glad to leave it all behind. There are many in the infertility community who are angry -- rightfully so, and for so many reasons. Even after giving birth, or adopting, or becoming a parent in whatever way it happens, there is a level of anger that doesn't go away. And why should it? Their journeys have been long & painful. That's not something that you forget in an instant, or for some, ever. But their journeys are just that, THEIRS. Mine is mine. Similar or not, we all handle things differently. I have seen women who have had the same treatment as me, or very close to, end with babies in their arms & they are still angry. I've seen others who have gone through SO MUCH MORE walk away with a smile on their face & peace with what life dealt them. We are all different, and react differently. I made the choice a long time ago to not let the resentment rule me, no matter what happened. Don't get me wrong -- there was a time when it absolutely did. That resentment hurt me in a lot of ways. It's the same resentment & anger that made me cry for two days when my best friend of 20 years told me she was pregnant. Or what made me dread any pregnancy announcement from ANYONE, regardless of their journey. It's what sent me into an awful depression after my miscarriage. But eventually, it just wasn't worth it to me.

So the other part of this chapter is sort of saying goodbye to the infertility community. There was a time when it was so, so good to me, but the past couple of years hasn't been all rainbows and flowers. I am forever grateful for the amazing friendship that this journey has brought me, and while I don't understand not being able to move forward (same as I am sure they cannot understand why I don't hold onto the resentment), or why they hold onto that anger, I try to remain as positive and supportive as I can to those who want it. Not everybody does, and that's fine. I've reached out as long as I could, and pulled away when I realized it was needed, when support wasn't wanted. Sadly, this has meant being abandoned by most of the IF community, but there are a small few who welcome me & support me & in return, I will gladly give all the love & support that I can to them as well. These people have become AMAZING friends, whether I have met them in real life or not, and are people that I will cherish forever. I am walking away from all of this with some really great people beside me, and if that's how I leave the infertility community (or how the infertility community leaves me), then I am happy & content with that. Because I mean what I say -- these people, they know who they are, may be a small few, but have large hearts & I will forever be grateful to them for what they have given me.

I am ok with this. It has taken some time to put the hurt behind me -- the unfollows, blocks, deletions, being talked about behind my back by people that I thought were friends, the flat out being ignored when offering support -- it stung. And sometimes still does. But like I said, the GOOD that is following me is worth so much more than all the crap that came my way. I look forward to the post-IF life, and am so full of love for the ones who have stuck by me.

Closing these chapters, whatever the end result may be, is just what we need to do. I can't be angry. I don't want to be angry. Or bitter. Or resentful. Even if Lucas was our ONLY child, I am confident this would still be my course because even after Lucas, even before the talk of number two, I still felt this way. Maybe that's why this decision comes with so much peace & ease for both me & M. I'm grateful for what my journey taught me, the people it introduced me to, the ones who became friends, and I will admit, even for the ugly. In fact, even through the ugly M & I were able to strengthen our marriage. We were able to travel & meet new people. We lived, despite not necessarily wanting to. There was good inside all of the bad.

I want to move forward. I want to be happy. I am happy. I won't ever forget, but I don't want to dwell, either.There are still so many thoughts running through my head, but I think this is the best I can do at getting them all down. I hope this makes sense.

I can't wait for the things to come. I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm excited for this next chapter of our lives regardless.

Moving On

First off, big thanks to those who commented, emailed, tweeted, texted & called me in regards to my last post (some of you, I still owe messages back to. I am a jerk. I know this.) It's not very often, I have found, that moms in the blog world are HONEST about what goes on behind closed doors. But seeing as this is my space, and I really have no true POINT to the blog other than to just write to get my feelings out, that's exactly what I did. For all the positive responses, those who reached out to me, I truly appreciate it. Honestly.

Right now is just a tough time. That week, in particular, was especially bad. Just ... BAD. I have no doubt in my mind that my hormones are working overtime right now, and I'm a little more sensitive to what's going on around me. On top of that, I'm still trying to figure everything out, so with that comes lots of ebbs and flows in my life. I hate this, but it is what it is. Acceptance is something I am continually working on.

With that said, things are still a struggle, but we are working on it. Every week it's something different it seems, but there's not a lot that I can do, personally, to fix any of it. Lucas is still waking up at night, and as of last night, we are back on the CIO bandwagon. I'm also removing all pacifiers from the house. This was a long time coming, but something I wasn't quite ready to do yet. However, he is chewing through all of them, rendering them useless, and I refuse to buy more. So, today is the day. They are getting cut out. The wakeups aren't always bad. If they happen early in the night, between midnight and 3:00 a.m. I can usually get him back to sleep. But anything after that and we are up for the day. This makes for a very, very long day, for both of us, with a schedule completely out of whack. Part of the reason, I think, are the stupid pacifiers. So, we are done.

I warned the husband that it's going to be a rough few nights, and seeing as he actually has to go to work in the mornings with an alarm set for 5am, I feel awful about this. But I need my sanity, and my sleep. I can't deal with a toddler who won't sleep while also dealing with a newborn in two months (TWO MONTHS. EEK.) So this week is it. There will be tears on all ends, and LOTS of coffee consumed, but this has to happen. Sorry kid.

Along with the battle of the sleepless child, my OB told me I had sciatic nerve pain at my last appointment. Can we take a minute to talk about HOW TRULY AWFUL THIS IS? I had some pretty wicked pain when I was pregnant with Lucas, mostly centered in my pelvic region. I thought that was bad, but I would gladly trade this for that. Sciatic nerve pain and pretty much rendered me useless, and if any pressure is applied to my left side (shifting wrong, sitting wrong, WALKING) it feels like someone is stabbing my hip and lower back region with a knife. It's intense, and daily activities have become hard to do. If I could sit all day and relax? No problem. But chasing a toddler around, doing errands as simple as going to the grocery store, trying to walk from one room to the other, it's tough. My friends who have seen me since it flared up have seen me hobble around. I feel (and look) like a fool but man, the pain is intense. I'm currently waiting for my referrel to go through with my OB and the chiropractic clinic, and hopefully tomorrow will have an appointment all set up. I have heard this will help, but we will see. Nothing has yet. I'm not sure I can handle eight more weeks of this (and I don't even know if this is something that goes away immediately after giving birth, like the pelvic pain did).

All in all, it's been a rough time. Not all bad, and we are definitely having good days inbetween the tough ones. If I can get my kid to sleep through the night again, we will be good. That alone will be a huge weight off my shoulders & maybe the extra hour or two of sleep a night will keep me a little more sane. The scaitic nerve pain? Well, it's here. It sucks balls, and it's hard, but it is what it is. Just don't laugh at me when you see me hobbling through the grocery store or Target.

All the Feelings

The past couple of months, since I have started staying home, have been an adjustment. There's no doubt about that; I haven't exactly been quiet about it, either here or elsewhere on the interwebs. It's been tough, especially in the beginning when I was figuring out what the hell I was supposed to do with my life, how I was supposed to manage it and everything involved with it (kid, husband, household) while still figuring out what I needed to do for myself. 

For a while there, it got better. We got into a routine, although not nearly a perfect one. I felt like I had a good grasp on things, and was accepting the new direction my life was taking. It's still hard, some days, for a lot of reasons (friendship, finances, etc), but MOST DAYS I can accept that it is what it is. 

However, today (and in recent days) I am just feeling like a failure. I can't seem to keep up, with anything, and I have no excuse for it other than "I can't." My house is a mess. The laundry is piling up. I am feeling like a HUGE failure as a mother because most days, Lucas & I just SURVIVE and nothing else. I'm not teaching him anything. We rarely get out of the house. Cartoons are on far more often & longer than they should be during the day. While swim lessons last month seemed like a great idea at the time, they became more of a burden that neither Lucas or myself seemed to fully enjoy. I see other parents with children his age talking about "lesson plans" and activities, while I consider it a success if I can make it to naptime without a major meltdown. 

A big part of this, at least what I'm telling myself, is this pregnancy. Especially these past few days. At 31 weeks, I am getting closer & closer to being over it completely (who am I kidding? I'm already there.) The pain that I thought I would escape from the last pregnancy has shown up, but in a very different way, making it hard to get through the day without tears. This make doing ANYTHING ten times harder than it would normally be this far along. Everything is a struggle right now & while my husband does what he can to help, it's not quite enough to feel back on track. While we have very little to do to prep for this new baby, at the same time there feels like there is SO MUCH to do. With two months left, the clock is ticking & I don't know where to even begin. 

I am exhausted from Lucas's decision to avoid sleep. I am sore from this pregnancy. I am lonely because I feel like aside from my husband, I'm in this all by myself with no close friends in the vicinity like I used to have. I feel tested because my kid is in a hitting & throwing phase (always directed at me, nobody else, which hurts my heart), while still avoiding food for the most part & deciding that 4am is a normal time to wake up for the day. Or earlier. and oh good lord, THE TANTRUMS! I feel like a failure for not doing better by my time as a stay-at-home-mom/wife. And I am overwhelmed at the thought of managing all of this with a newborn on the way, with very few friends and zero family in the area to help out when needed.

I still have yet to figure out that balance of taking care of the things I need to do while also taking care of me. I wish I could stay up until midnight every night -- it would give me the time to focus on the things I WANT to focus on -- but I'm lucky these days if I make it past 9pm. That's barely enough time to spend kid free with my husband, time we have been sorely lacking on lately, let alone do anything for myself. I can't even shower without hearing my kid screaming MOMMY! MOMMY! among tears, outside our bedroom door. I'm jealous of the other moms who can manage to sew or knit or craft or draw or WHATEVER with multiple kids and jobs and newborns, because the fact of the matter is, I HAVE NO IDEA how they do it, without staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I just don't. I wish I did. 

I love my kid, I love the one on the way, and I love my husband. But all of this lately just makes me feel sad. Hopeless. Like this is the best its going to be. I know this isn't the case, at least I really hope it's not. I hope that this is all just a phase. That things will get better. But I feel completely alone in this phase of my life, and it's frustrating. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to do some things for me every once in a while. In all honesty, I would kill for 24 hours, alone, to sleep and draw and clean. But it is what it is -- this is something that is important to me. I just don't know how to fit it into my life right now, a frustrating battle.