Still Figuring It Out*

Y'all, let me tell you, life has been busy. Instead of apologizing for my lack of posts [which, I am sorry], we are just going to dive right in, mmm-kay?

The week of the Fourth of July, my father in law popped in for a visit. Two weeks earlier, he had decided he wanted to fly in from Oregon and spend some time. It was a little last minute and to say that it was a disaster is a huge understatement. I won't go into details for multiple reasons, but it was beyond stressful that week. I was grateful to be at work most of the time, but worried the rest about the time he was spending with Lucas. I wish that the relationship I had with my father in law was different, but when your own husband isn't thrilled about his dad being there, you can understand the stress.

BUT, we made the best of the situation and moved on. I am leaving it at that. And then were extremely grateful when our house was our own again! 

Life in general has been very busy these days. And exhausting. Lucas decided about a week and a half ago that 4am was an appropriate time to wake up for the day. This would be great if I could do the whole "nap when baby naps" thing during the day, but I'm a working mamma and that's just not possible. As much as I would LOVE to crawl under my desk at lunch time, I'm pretty sure they would fire me. That, most definitely, would not be good. So things have been a little hectic. It was also about a week ago that our sitter's ten-month old came down with hand, foot, mouth disease, leaving us to fend for ourselves for a couple of days. Due to the lack of sleep and an overall feeling of not spending enough time with my child due to my work schedule, having an extra day off to spend with Lucas, just the two of us, was great. And I am forever grateful to amazing friends who helped out on day two when I couldn't stay home again.

That feeling of missing Lucas has been plaguing me for a while now, and it's been very hard to handle. We had been in such a great routine the first 10 weeks of his life, and I will even admit that coming back to work felt REALLY GOOD. I was so happy to be productive and feel like I was contributing to the world again instead of sitting at home in my yoga pants [dear yoga pants: I miss you.] But somewhere in the past few weeks, that forward momentum of feeling like we had a good routine came screeching to a hault. But damnit, I miss my kid. Something fierce. I fully realize that I made the decision to come back to work. I am grateful that we are in a situation where had I wanted to stay home, it would have been an option for me. And I know I have discussed in the past about my choice to come back and why I came to it. But missing your child is tough. I might be able to blame my extreme lack of sleep for my raging hormones these days, but I am very protective of what little time I have with the guy during the week, because it is so limited. M and I are working on a schedule to make sure that all parties involved are happy at the end of the night. I am finding that making everyone happy has become one of the hardest things to deal with at this point in being parents.

Because I am perfectionist. I want to do it all right. And I want everyone to like me and love me and lord help me if they are even slightly disappointed in me! GASP.

But convincing myself that I cannot do it all is hard. My husband, my child and my job cannot all be my number one priority, because logistically, it does not work that way. Because we rely on my income, I need to kick ass and take names at my job. But my child is also MY CHILD. Important. He needs me. He cannot feed himself, change himself, tell me what he wants in a non-crying way. He relies on me in more way than one. And then my sweet husband ... how do you tell your life partner that you cannot put them first? How do I juggle all of these thing that are beyond important in my life? I haven't quite figured it out yet. There is this overwhelming fear of failure. Of screwing up. Of not doing something right and again, DISAPPOINTMENT. This, I cannot handle. But I am trying to find a balance. To make things work as best of my ability. And let me tell you, folks ... while I am figuring it out, there are a LOT of tears. I am overwhelmed with finding a way through this. I am so lucky that I have such a great husband who will do whatever it takes, and I need to learn to reach out more. I cannot do it all myself. I know this. But I want to. Asking for help seems like a weakness to me, but I am, again, trying to get rid of that notion. I know that somewhere down the road, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We will get there. I will get there.

In the mean time, I am beyond grateful for those who understand and are holding my hand through this transition. I am a lucky girl. This whole new mom thing opened up my eyes to a lot of things. It's amazing how major life changes will show you people's true colors. And the ones who have stuck around and supported me, even when going through their own personal shit, are forever on my list of people I owe big time.

Has anybody else out there felt like they have hit a wall in the beginning of new parenthood? Should I expect this to happen frequently in the next 18 years? Was that pretty much the stupidest question ever? Don't laugh too hard ....