Taking Advantage of an Opportunity

I just wanted to say thanks to those who reached out after my last blog post! Dang. It's honestly nice to not feel so alone -- I wish I could find more of you!

It seriously sucks balls when you don't really know where you belong. I had been trying to explain this to a couple of friends this week, but unless you're HERE, feeling lost and alone, words can't really explain it. The Infertility community is an amazing community, and when I needed it in the beginning, when we started our journey damn near six years ago, it was a life saver for me. I have met some amazing women who are working hard every day to fight for infertility rights & I applaud the efforts that they continue to do. But I get that feeling that I'm not wanted (or welcome?) anymore, and that's fine. I will always support when I can but I also need support, not radio silence. As I have mentioned before, it's a two way street. I have given a lot, and right now when my life is a huge clusterfuck of who knows what, I need a little in return. So onwards I move & new friends to be found, as well as clinging a little tighter to the good ones I have now.

It's been great talking to a few of you through comments, messages, emails, etc. And I hope those of you who feel the way I do know that there is a place for us, somewhere. But this is the last I'm going to mention of this, because, well, it just makes me sad. Being left out is a shitty feeling, and that's very much how I feel right now. But it is what it is, and I'm over it, focusing on new things. New people. New projects.

Speaking of new projects, I've kind of got one of my own. I mentioned previously (and am mentioning here!) that with my newfound unemployment (nine working days left, people. I am kind of freaking out!) I have to sort of figure out what I want to do. I feel like I am not quite in a mid-life crisis but close. While I am sad to be leaving the workforce, there is a lot of positives to this new abundance of time that I will have.

First and foremost is extra time with Lucas. This kid is a sponge & is growing/changing daily. I cannot keep up with how fast he is growing and I feel like I have missed so much working the past year. I cannot wait to spend some more time with him, especially before baby #2 comes in January. I know he won't remember it, the extra time together these next six months, but I most definitely will. I am looking forward to all the great things that we will get to do together (as well as the frustrating times that come as well!)

But I'm also going to take some time to focus on me. Figure out what I want out of life. Find a new passion or reignite an old one. I will be writing about it, but not here. If you would LIKE to follow along, please feel free (although don't feel obligated!). You can find the new blog here:

http://thisthirtylifecrisis.wordpress.com/

There isn't much there right now. Four posts to be exact, and nothing in the past couple of weeks. My timeline is sort of this; I've got less than two weeks of work left, followed immediately by two weeks in Seattle to visit family & a few friends. I fully plan on taking that time to recharge & reenergize myself. Man, I really need this trip. Unfortunately my husband won't be able to come with me (boo Army!) but it was important that Lucas & I got home for a little while before I can't fly anymore.

When we get back, then it's game on. We don't know where we will be, or what we are doing just yet, but hopefully by then we will have some answers and some new orders for a new duty station. I don't plan on being a stay at home mom forever. I like working. But until then, I am going to take full advantage of this opportunity. Spend more time with the kiddo, but also figure out what the hell I want out of my own life. And I plan on documenting all of it over there. Art projects. Cooking classes. Hiking adventures. Graphic design mishaps. ALL OF IT. So please feel free to join me.

Love you all. Happy Monday!

Now What?

So there we were. Waiting on orders for a military move that apparently are never going to come. Not for this assignment at least. It's nearly official, save for some paperwork from a Colonel up the chain. Fort Gordon & Georgia are not happening. Not for this assignment.

This whole process, the MONTHS it has taken us to get here, is beyond frustrating. If it wouldn't take me an entire day to sit here and detail the chain of events, I would. But trust me when I say it is ridiculous.

I could cry.

Instead I try to do the normal military spouse thing and be strong for my husband. This is his career, not mine, and I know his frustration levels are much higher than mine. While we wait, we need to also figure out our next move. Hopefully, once things are finalized, we can find a new job. Bottom line is we can't stay here at Bragg, so a move is inevitable. But will that be two months from now or next year? We don't know. All the meanwhile, I sit here wondering what's next for our life. Where will we go? What will we do? What will *I* do? I don't have a job as of two weeks from now, due to unfortunate circumstances with my current employer. A trip to Seattle will be happening a couple of weeks but once I'm back, then ... ??? I don't know.

I need ... something. Most of our close friends have moved away. The twitter community (where I have gone in the past for support when needed) I feel has turned into this high school clique where once again, I'm not cool enough to hang with the in-crowd. Instead, I just use it to bitch about my daily frustrations, while shared successes & happy moments are rarely celebrated with me. It's a place where I end up apologizing more often than I should or feeling bad for sharing what's happening/how I'm feeling when that should not at all the case. Regardless, I miss having friends nearby and with our always changing army situation, I'm just feeling a little lost as to where exactly I fit in these days. It seems to really be nowhere.

I know this all sounds entirely childish. My insecurities are running rampant these days, if you could not tell. Maybe it's the extra hormones that are making me more sensitive than usual, but there is just this feeling of "what next?" Aside from a small, tiny handful of individuals, it's hard to talk about all of this with anybody due to the complicated nature of how we got where we are. But it's really only those few individuals who are asking. I will admit that I am jealous of some of the friendships I have seen develop & wishful that I could find more people that understand. This bubble that I'm in is a complicated one. I relied on the infertility world for so long, but with sort of getting the boot from that group (with no blame on anyone) but not really fitting into a normal "mommy group" I sort of feel myself wandering, reaching out to people, testing the waters and so desperately wanting to ask "will you be my friend?" It's dumb. I realize this. My nonsensical fear of people not liking me, you would think, would be long gone by 32 years old. But alas, here it sits.

Lack of support seems to be a common theme with me. So maybe it's my fault? I think I need to step back for a while and stop putting what I need on others and just tackling the issue on my own. Point of all of this being (sorry it took so long to get there) that I need to stop expecting sympathy, and instead realize that with my upcoming unemployment, take the opportunity to figure my life out; find a new passion and run with it, whatever that passion might be. Be more selective about who I open my heart to because nine times out of ten, I don't really get anything back and that's not fair. I'll probably be stepping back from social media because really, what good is it? (don't answer that. I know there is lots of good to it!) But for me, it's not serving as the outlet that I need it to, that it once was. Those that care, they know where to find me. Those that don't care, well, that's fine, too.

So yeah. Mission. To better my life. To not feel like a wanderer who doesn't really get to wander. To cut out some more negative and find some more positive. We will see what happens.